A funny one I thought...........

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Jane Dalgleish
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A funny one I thought...........

Post by Jane Dalgleish » Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:26 pm

ZEN TEACHINGS


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow... In fact, just take off and leave me alone.

2. *e* is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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maz
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Post by maz » Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:41 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks Jane!!!!

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fergie
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Post by fergie » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:24 pm

Such a good one Jane .. i nicked it for my facebook page :wink: :lol: :lol:

Leigh Xx

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maz
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Post by maz » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:37 pm

I nicked it too for another forum I'm on!!!

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stuart13
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Post by stuart13 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:52 pm

.........and zen what?

:roll:

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Jane Dalgleish
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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:09 pm

:roll: :roll: :lol: :lol:

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Janey Dal
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This made me howl.........

Post by Janey Dal » Tue Jul 27, 2010 9:24 am

A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having *e* wiffa wife's sista!"

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maz
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Post by maz » Tue Jul 27, 2010 9:36 am

Oh Jane!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks for that laugh this morning!!!

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Janey Dal
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Post by Janey Dal » Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:21 pm

Welcome!!!

Jane xx

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Janey Dal
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And another...........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Sep 25, 2010 1:44 pm

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after her neighbour's dog while the neighbour's went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a b***h that was in 'heat' and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly alarmed by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain, howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw"

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "It just worked for me."

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Janey Dal
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Stupid Quiz show answers...

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 03, 2010 12:58 pm

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow??
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ??? MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. .. ..
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er . ....
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER .... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ...
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

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fergie
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Re: A funny one I thought...........

Post by fergie » Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:05 am

Aww Jane :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

They were good enough to make me choke on my salt and vinegar chipsticks !!

I may, once again, nick them for my facebook page :roll: :D

Thanks

Leigh Xx
Leigh, Boo & Haribo XX

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Janey Dal
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Re: A funny one I thought...........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:13 pm

Welcome Leigh!

My only concern is that these people are out amongst us!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

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Janey Dal
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Re: A funny one I thought...........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:40 am

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't reallyhurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.


"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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rayhunt
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Re: A funny one I thought...........

Post by rayhunt » Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:38 am

To to think we have to give credit to these POMS for having colonised or civilising the world.

It really makes you wonder!


Ray

:lol: 8) :arrow: No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent

THEY ALSO HAVE THE ABILTY TO BREED!

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