Just to make people laugh.

Chat about anything you like... Fed up with the state of the world today? Tell us!
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stuart13
Posts: 21409
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Post by stuart13 » Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:58 pm

I'm still on hold.

This b**** music in my ears is driving me mad.

:evil:

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Jane Dalgleish
Posts: 1921
Joined: Sun May 31, 2009 9:49 pm

Post by Jane Dalgleish » Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:03 pm

Stuart13

Please note all our call handlers have gone home for the weekend, but please be aware that your call is important to us, we will endeavour to answer it before you expire, although we must advise you that anyone expiring whilst on the phone will still be charged for the call. Any benefits that you may be entitled to but haven't received yet, will be deducted from your bank account as a direct result of you wasting our time by expiring whilst on hold.

Thank you for your call.

You are number 3,021,025,025 in the queue.

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stuart13
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Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Post by stuart13 » Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:07 pm

Would I be advised to ring back at a later date, or should I continue to hold?

:roll:

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stuart13
Posts: 21409
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Post by stuart13 » Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:33 pm

Should you ever get round to reading my previous message, please ignore it.

I've forgotten what I was phoning about.

Signed


?
(who am I?)

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leather_ferret
Posts: 2244
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:31 pm
Location: South Yorkshire

Post by leather_ferret » Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:33 pm

Hello,

You have reached the DWP, my name is Stacey, how may I help you ?

Hello ......, hello....., ...... hello'o ?

"Mavis, its that heavy breather again" :shock:

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stuart13
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Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Post by stuart13 » Sun Jan 24, 2010 9:02 pm

What do they mean?

I'm struggling to breathhhhhhh.

:(

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Jane Dalgleish
Posts: 1921
Joined: Sun May 31, 2009 9:49 pm

Post by Jane Dalgleish » Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:40 am

Please be aware that your call is important to us and Stacey and Mavis will be with you as soon as they've finished their cup of tea and a gossip over their weekend

............ if your are struggling to breath please press 5 where your call will be forwarded to an undertaker

..........if you are still hanging on after all this time, you are obviously not available for work as you are on the telephone and therefore are not entitled to benefits

..........if you think you are still entitled to benefits you are obviously deluded and need to phone 999 and ask for the men in white coats.

lindylou
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:59 am

Post by lindylou » Tue May 04, 2010 2:37 pm

OK I've laughed all the way through these posts :lol: Sad thing is though is that talking to the DWP can actually drive you insane..........or was I there already?????

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Jane Dalgleish
Posts: 1921
Joined: Sun May 31, 2009 9:49 pm

Post by Jane Dalgleish » Tue May 04, 2010 6:36 pm

Well Linda if you weren't insane before you got involved with the DWP there is no doubt insanity won't be long.

On the one occasion I have been involved with them personally after being made redundant a few years ago, I had more rows with them than you can believe. On one occasion I genuinely forgot to sign on thinking I was due to sign on the following week. I had to go for an another appointment with them the following day when they pointed out my error.

I then had to fill in an appeal form to say why I had missed my appointment. Stupidly I told the truth and said I had simply missed a week in my head and apologised. I had to wait an hour whilst the appeal was heard - I was not allowed to go home. Then they came back and said it had been rejected.

Jane "Why was it rejected?"

DWP person "It wasn't a good enough reason"

Jane "What would have been a good enough reason?"

DWP Person "Well if you'd said you had an interview for example"

Jane "Oh so if I'd lied then I would have won the appeal"

DWP Person (very pompously) "Well we expect EVERYONE to tell the truth here"

For once in my life, I was speechless!!!!

This minor oversight on my part resulted in losing one day's benefit, my details going to the tax people and then my claim was re-instated but only after I'd filled in the WHOLE DWP form again, from scratch.

So all those civil servants filling in forms and posting them backwards forwards and processing them, and for what??? I eventually got myself a job, with no help whatsoever from the DWP!!!!

The best bit about it was when I took my second form back to the DWP the girl on reception who looked like the lights were on and nobody was home said I would have to wait until someone had read the form to check it was accurate. At this point I lost my temper and said to her "I am NOT hanging round here any longer, if you need to contact me you have my details, bloody well ring me!" Her face was a picture of shock - which amused me no end.

The laugh was that I hadn't filled in the form properly because I had written comments all over it like "I have been a naughty girl and now I am being punished" . So they did ring me and I had quite a laugh on the phone with the guy who rang me. He said "Are you not prepared to divulge your marital status" "Yes I said why?" "Well you've ticked Married, divorced, single and widowed!" "I was a bit cross when I was filling it in I said" "Yes" he said I can tell!"

The trouble is that they treat everyone as a scrounger and a benefit fraudster.

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Jane Dalgleish
Posts: 1921
Joined: Sun May 31, 2009 9:49 pm

Football jokes - these are great!!

Post by Jane Dalgleish » Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:40 pm

Below some banter from the world cup - you may appreciate


Subject: FW: The heroics of England ......................

A little old lady trying to cross the road when Fabio Capello sees her
struggling. 'Excuse me my dear, can you manage?' asks Capello. Little
old lady replies 'You got yourself into this mess, don't expect me to
help you out'


What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney?
The jet engine eventually stops whining.

Three hours of football and Rob Green is still England's top scorer.

The England World Cup team visited an orphanage in South Africa
yesterday.
'It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly
struggling and facing insurmountable odds,' said Shiphiwe Modese, aged
six.


Guy walks into the brothel dungeon and says to the mistress "I'm
really kinky, I want total humiliation, how much will it cost"
The mistress looks at him and says "£29.99"
"WOW", says the guy, "That's a great price so what do I get for that ?"
She looks at him and says "An England shirt"


All charges against the intruder to the England dressing room have
been dropped following a FIFA investigation. Apparently Rob Green let him
in.


I can't believe we only managed a bloody draw against a third rate
bunch of losers who we should have beaten easily..
Makes me ashamed to be Algerian.


All future England matches are to be screened on the adult gay TV
channel.
Apparently the sight of 11 a***holes getting pummeled for 90 minutes
has been deemed to explicit for terrestrial TV.


Knorr have released a special edition OXO cube in white with a red
stripe to commemorate our current world cup campaign. It's called the
laughing stock.


The guy on death row in Utah got to pick his own firing squad.
He went for Rooney, Lampard, Heskey, Crouch and Gerrard.

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maz
Posts: 7697
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:29 am
Location: Harrogate, UK.

Post by maz » Sun Aug 08, 2010 7:42 pm

So, some Sunday night funnies.


Answers to exam questions
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...........and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. *e* can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs


Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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stuart13
Posts: 21409
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Post by stuart13 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 8:02 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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fergie
Posts: 1045
Joined: Wed Aug 16, 2006 8:07 pm
Location: Scotland

Post by fergie » Sun Aug 08, 2010 8:50 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

So good i nicked them for my Facebook :D

Cheers, Leigh Xx

lindylou
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:59 am

Post by lindylou » Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:37 pm

Brilliant!!!! Worringly I have a 17yr old daughter who probabyl wrote similar things last year in her exams!!!!!

These are so good I'm taking them into work for all to read.........................a number of my collegues are under the age of 21 so let's see how many think these answers are funny or not :lol:

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Saxie
Posts: 1811
Joined: Tue Feb 26, 2008 6:38 am

Post by Saxie » Tue Aug 10, 2010 6:57 am

It does make you think. I was at a meeting recently when a guy was walking around with an empty cup looking worried. I asked if I could help and he said he was looking for the coffee. I pointed to the large pot labelled COFFEE in unmistakable letters and said there it was. He said he thought that was just hot water. I smiled , filled his cup for him and told him to regard it an an intelligence test . He didn't get it! Thick or what?

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