Alan's blog........

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:24 am

Of course Ball-less Billy won. More streamlined shape, and no distractions. :)

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jun 23, 2018 11:49 am

:lol: :lol:

This week Jane’s VERY intelligent daughter suggested a trip to Kynren in August. This is a local event re-enacting a history of England with horses and stuff (Jane’s reader may realise that Jane isn’t quite sure what it actually is :oops: :oops: ).

The whole fam damly are going but Jane had to buy her own tickets :roll: :roll: . This cost Jane £75 for herself and Alan (whose blog this is). Jane was then advised by number one daughter that you are advised to take blankets and a cushion because the event is outside and you can get very cold :oops: :oops: .

Jane protested: “What! I’ve paid 75 quid to freeze my a*** off? That can’t be right and why have I paid 37 pounds 50 for Alan - he hasn’t got an a*** to freeze so his ticket should be cheaper!”

To which Jane’s VERY intelligent daughter (showing off her intelligence) replied: “Well his ticket should rightly be more expensive because they have to look harder for Alan’s a*** in order to freeze it off”.

Jane has decided therefore that she probably has got a bargain :shock: :shock: .

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Sat Jun 23, 2018 10:23 pm

Serves you right for living in the North East. In the rest of the country, it’s still summer in August. :lol:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jun 30, 2018 4:19 pm

Jane would rather freeze her a*** off than live anywhere else :roll: :roll: .

This weekend is number one Digger son’s birthday. He is 30 :shock: :shock: . Jane knows she doesn't look old enough to have a 30 year old son so Jane’s reader doesn’t need to mention it :D :D . But Jane thanks them for the thought anyway :shock: :shock: .

Jane's lovely daughter in law is arranging a party for him. At Jane’s house :shock: :shock: . How does that work then? Alan (whose blog this is) is doing a barbecue, but because he gets over-excited when he’s barbecuing the meat is already cooked at 4pm and no sign of any family who are out doing Go Ape together and will arrive en masse having gone ape.

The meat will be well cremated by then :roll: :roll: . Jane wouldn’t mind so much but originally they were getting a take away which suited Jane better - Jane hates barbecues :shock: :shock: . Still it isn’t Jane’s birthday so Jane will have to bite the bullet and pretend that she loves barbecues and then secretly snack once everybody’s gone to bed :roll: :roll: .

Jane remembers having a barbecue years ago with loads of people round. Every body was just starting to tuck into their cremated meat when someone fed the dog a sausage. The dog happily wolfed down the sausage and then just as rapidly regurgitated it right in the middle of the party :shock: :shock: .

Jane does try to maintain standards but with dogs and children (and Alan) it’s a lost cause :roll: :roll: .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:28 am

Marilyn hopes Jane's No 1 Digger son enjoyed his birthday do, cremated sausages and all. After all, what is a barbeque without cremated sausages :lol:
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Jul 01, 2018 12:45 pm

Jane thanks Marilyn and can say that yes indeed they had a lovely day.

Balloons and banners were tied to the hedge in the garden and glitter was sprinkled all over the garden rug which of course then transferred itself into the house so Jane has lovely glittery floors throughout :roll: :roll: .

Jane then did the traditional Sunday breakfast for her offspring plus SOs. Jane cleverly recycled some of the partially cremated sausages to go with the bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, eggy bread and beans. There was not one single bit of food left despite Jane cooking enough to feed a small country. :shock: :shock:

This despite both Jane’s VERY intelligent daughter and lovely daughter in law being on diets :shock: :shock: . Their dietary regime includes ‘cheat days’ which always seem to conveniently fall on the days that the Dalgleishes are catering :lol: :lol: .

Jane’s mad Ma was present and despite stuffing her face (as only pensioners can) ‘innocently’ asked if Alan (whose blog this is) was doing a Sunday dinner today :shock: :shock: .

No he is not! But Jane’s reader need not be concerned that mad Ma will starve. She packed enough away yesterday to last her a week. :roll: :roll:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 07, 2018 11:55 am

So Jane is now on 2 week’s annual leave -woohoo! Sadly this also means she has to spend 24/7 with Alan (whose blog this is).

Jane is not sure how this will pan out and would like her reader to wish her well :lol: :lol: . Jane is not going to an exotic location, indeed who would want to given the current weather? Jane also has lots of plans as to what she is going to do with her time off.

Jane suspects however that most of the plans will be ditched as too ambitious. Does Jane really want to really give the kitchen a good deep clean? Does Jane really want to empty all the rubbish out of her cupboards in order to feel ‘cleansed’?

Jane may end up sitting doing naff all and enjoying it. Sadly Jane isn’t great at naff all as she has a low boredom threshold. Jane could of course take mad Ma out for lunch, or not :shock: :shock: .

Speaking of which, Jane has had a lovely few months of free Saturday mornings since mad Ma defenestrated her car. Today mad Ma has rung to ask if Jane is at home as she is going to visit on her bloody mobility scooter :roll: :roll: .

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Sat Jul 07, 2018 1:56 pm

May I point out Jane will be old one day if she isn't already and as it is not polite to ask a lady her age assuming Jane is a lady we will nether know her age . But as Jane is older than me and I feel old therefore Jane must be old . Time for me to run and hide .
Paul

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Pasithea
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Pasithea » Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:20 pm

My Husband (who’s blog this is not ) and myself ( reader of aforementioned blog). Took my mad mother. ( who doesn’t have a clue what a blog is ). To Kynren last year. The show was fantastic but I have some hints and tips.

Cushions although optional do make the f%@# hard seats more comfortable unless you have purchased the diamond package in which case Alan ( who’s blog this is ) is getting far too much Pip. Likewise. A cardi or coat as it does get cold in the stands.

Eat drink and have a pee before you go. Foot and drink prices are enough to make you drink. If you could afford it.

Get there early

Book the buses to and from the car park. As it is a bloody long uphill walk. Oh and do book Disabled parking. It’s slightly better.

Have a good time.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Jul 08, 2018 11:12 am

Jane is delighted with Paul’s logic but not his conclusion :shock: :shock: . Jane is in fact pretty ancient, not as ancient as Stuart but more ancient than Paul. Jane has never been a lady - to be totally honest she has tried in the past, but failed miserably :lol: :lol: .

Now Jane just is how she is and you either like it or bog off :roll: :lol: .

Jane loves Pasithea’s post which made her chuckle :lol: :lol: . Jane is also delighted that Gwen had such a lovely time freezing her a*** off. Jane will take the advice to take a cushion although Jane thinks she probably has sufficient padding these days to manage without one :oops: :oops: . Alan (whose blog this is) definitely has not.

Meanwhile Jane would like to say WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! At the England team. :D :D . Totally lacklustre football is obviously the way to win the World Cup :roll: :roll: . Although given that the South American teams seem to have won many times by blatant cheating and downright aggression, Jane supposes lacklustre is at least a polite way to move forward :lol: :lol: .

Jane wants to know what's going on with Gareth Southgate’s enormous conk? As Jane’s dad used to say “I wouldn’t mind that full of threepenny bits!” :lol: :lol: . Jane was thinking more pound coins to be honest but she bets he could get a slack handful up there without too much trouble :oops: :oops: .

Maybe that could be a fund raising initiative? Instead of guessing how many sweets are in a jar, you could guess how many pound coins you could get up Gareth’s nose :lol: :lol: .

Jane reckons about 50.

The problem then however would arise as to who would get them out again :shock: .

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:51 am

If only we can do as well in Eurovision as the football .
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Jul 09, 2018 11:29 am

Jane is not sure if the England squad can sing to be fair Paul. Although neither can half the Eurovision entrants so Jane supposes that this is not as impossible as it appeared on first reading :lol: :lol: .

Jane is NOT happy today :twisted: :twisted: . Jane has suffered blazing temperatures in a non-air-conditioned office for 5 weeks. Today, the first day of Jane’s much needed annual leave the sun has bogged off :evil: :evil: . This is just not on! This is grossly unfair and Jane is going to write to her MP and demand to know what has happened to the sun.

Jane suspects Boris Johnson is at the bottom of this somewhere. Jane doesn’t think he is a trustworthy man. Jane is not sure that he is even a man. He certainly looks like someone has thrown a cat at him and indeed Boris and Mr Trump could have a pretty feisty hair-off.

Jane is also very confused today. Jane decided to purchase a picnic bench for the front garden. Off she went on Google on to discover that picnic benches are in short supply. This is very rude when Jane has decided to buy one (although if this weather continues Jane suspects there may be a plethora of picnic benches available all having been returned :roll: :roll: ).

Anyway, Jane did manage to track down a reasonably priced picnic bench from a company she’s never heard of. Jane ordered it and it is on it’s way. However Jane hasn’t paid for it :shock: :shock: .

Jane tried very hard to do so but was unable to. In some confusion Jane contacted the company this morning saying she wanted to pay for the picnic bench.

She can’t until they’ve approved her order and delivered it :shock: :shock: . What is all this about then? Paying for goods when you get them?

Whoever has heard of such a thing? The world has gone mad!

Jane has also been to B&Q this morning (nope no picnic benches there either!). And bought some fence paint, some varnish for internal doors and some emulsion so Jane’s number one digger son can finally finish the bloody painting in the hall and stairs :roll: :roll: .

Now Jane has to find the wherewithal to paint the fence (can’t it’s drizzling) and the internal doors (can but can’t find a wherewithal). Jane wonders if B&Q sell wherewithals? Well Jane isn’t trekking back there again because if she does track down a wherewithal she will have no excuse not to do some work :lol: :lol: .

Alan (whose blog this is) has happily informed Jane he is going into the bathroom to wash his bottom :shock: :shock: . Jane knew it was a mistake to spend any time with him :roll: :lol: :lol: .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:47 am

Marilyn, who is proper old now, just wants to ask......what or who is Kynren :? :? :?
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:41 am

https://www.kynren.com/

Jane thinks Marilyn hasn’t been reading Alan’s (whose blog this is) blog with the detail she should as a mod :lol: :lol: .

Alan will take a dim view of Marilyn’s lack of concentration and attention to detail, were he to find out. In the interests of the sisterhood, Jane will reluctantly not advise Alan of Marilyn’s faux pas. Jane of course is always 100% truthful with Alan at all times :shock: :shock: so Marilyn will be aware of the sacrifice that Jane is making in neglecting to tell him something.

Jane has of course on the odd occasion not been exactly totally honest about the price of some clothes she has bought, or indeed how long she has had them. For example:

Alan “Is that new?’

Jane: “No I’ve had it ages”.

In Jane’s defence 2 hours is ages if you are a mayfly for example :lol: :lol: .

Jane has no idea actually why she does this because Alan couldn’t care less about Jane’s clothes :oops: :oops: .

Jane has been out this morning and had her nails done. Jane was talked into having nail art which looks fantastic. Sadly Jane has no idea how she is going to pick her nose for the next 3 weeks given how long the nails are :shock: :shock: . Jane is worried that should she decide to pick her nose, she may well remove her brain at the same time.

The other worry is that nobody will notice the difference :lol: :lol: .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Wed Jul 11, 2018 9:28 am

Jane is correct, Marilyn missed the bit about Jane going to see Kynren :oops: Marilyn does indeed read Jane's, oops sorry, Alan's, blog, whenever he posts, though sometimes she does skim read if there are a long list of new posts etc. Marilyn has skim read since school days. Said skim reading is not good when revising for exams however :lol: and obviously if one is a mod :shock: . Marilyn will try and do better :wink:

Kynren does look like a good 'do' for sure.
Marilyn

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