Alan's blog........

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jun 13, 2020 11:32 am

Jane is fascinated by Saxie’s information. To reassure Saxie, NZ has been held up as a model of how to deal with the virus but intelligent people (like Jane :shock:) had already realised that as it is well under-populated compared to the UK then they are comparing apples with pears.

Equally death rates are not comparable because each country records them differently, and, at the risk of being controversial (as if!) Jane suspects many countries are simply lying :shock: .

Meanwhile Jane has invited mad Ma into her ‘bubble’ :roll: :roll: . This means mad Ma can come and eat with Alan (whose blog this is) and Jane. Luckily mad Ma said yes. How embarrassing would it be if you invited someone into your bubble and they said no :shock: :shock: . Mind! Mad Ma will have to behave herself or she will be unceremoniously ejected from Jane’s bubble and Jane will find another bubble buddy :lol: :lol: . Jane’s bubble is a precious thing and not to be treated lightly :lol: .

Jane is wondering if she can eject Alan from her bubble if he annoys her? Government guidelines don’t seem to cover this :roll:.

And Jane (who is still having to do the food shopping) was well annoyed to have to stand in the queue outside the shop today in the pouring rain for 20 minutes :? . When she left the shop there was no queue at all :evil: .

Jane may invest in a drone to fly over the shops to see when is the best time to visit :D .

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Sun Jun 14, 2020 10:34 am

Thought deaths were all the same no movement no breathing = dead . Simples
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jun 20, 2020 12:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Jane couldn’t agree with Paul more about this. What is all this fuss about death certificates and doctors having to certify death? If they ain’t moving or breathing, what’s to discuss? If unsure, wait a few days.......

Actually Jane thinks that when she worked at NHS corporate many of the staff were already dead. If they weren’t it would be hard to justify the lack of work they produced. :shock: :shock: :shock:

Meanwhile Jane has had to go food shopping AGAIN! Alan (whose blog this is) is milking his minor hip fracture as far as he can and insists he cannot drive. In Jane’s opinion Alan couldn’t drive in the first place :roll: . Jane has never come across a more boring driver than Alan who insists that the speed limit is perfectly okay and is very mindful of pedestrians :roll: .

Jane doesn’t speed per se, she just drives a bit faster than recommended :shock: . And pedestrians? Jane has no time for them! What on earth are they doing walking for goodness’s sake? There is no need! :shock:

So whilst waiting in the queue outside the supermarket this morning, Jane took a photo and sent it to Alan to make him feel guilty :lol: :lol: . And when she got home she made sure that Alan did the bulk of the unpacking to make him appreciate the error of his ways :D .

Actually Jane didn’t mind too much because the sun was shining but it would never do to let Alan know this. :lol: :lol:

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:24 am

Maybe Jane should take Alan to see 70s film Death Race 2000 to improve his driving .
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jun 27, 2020 11:25 am

paul..m wrote:
Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:24 am
Maybe Jane should take Alan to see 70s film Death Race 2000 to improve his driving .
It would frighten him :lol: :lol:.

Jane was very excited this week. Jane needed her boiler servicing. :shock: :shock: . Now Jane’s reader must understand that Jane’s life is not so boring yet that this is an exciting event, but Jane also had a kitchen tap and taps for the downstairs toilet to be fitted. Jane had a brain wave and asked Alan (whose blog this is) to ask the boiler engineer to do it because they are usually plumbers.

This worked a treat and Jane was delighted with herself having saved a little bit of money by avoiding two callout charges. Imagine Jane’s discombobulation then on returning home from the coal face on Friday to see that the old toilet taps were still in situ :shock: . There was however a shiny new kitchen tap :shock: .

“Where are the toilet taps?” Jane demanded of Alan.

“What toilet taps?” Asked Alan in confusion.

“You know the ones I discussed with you and the ones where you had to lift the box up to access the box with the kitchen tap underneath it!”

Alan looked confused :roll: :roll: . Jane thinks Alan simply stops listening when Jane speaks :evil: :evil: .

VERY luckily for Alan, the boiler man has to come back with a part for the boiler so he can do the toilet taps then :roll: :roll: .

Alan has no idea how lucky he is :roll: :roll: . He came very close to death on Friday :lol: :lol: .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:16 am

Janey Dal wrote:
Sat Jun 27, 2020 11:25 am
: .

Alan has no idea how lucky he is :roll: :roll: . He came very close to death on Friday :lol: :lol: .
Only on a Friday? :shock: :lol: :shock:
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Jun 29, 2020 12:00 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

So this weekend Jane’s lovely D-I-L was having a surprise baby shower organised by her friends from darn sarf. Jane was the repository for all the presents. Jane took the presents and the afternoon tea over to their house and then picked up mad Ma and went home. Mad Ma enjoyed watching the party on Zoom and all the present opening. And then said in a very clear voice once the presents were opened:

“I’ve had enough now!” :lol: :lol: Mad Ma had forgotten she was on speaker! As it turned out she is also deaf so she didn’t hear everyone laughing and Jane slapping her forehead :lol: :lol: .

Baby George will be the best-dressed baby like EVVA! He’s got enough outfits to last until he’s 16 provided he doesn't grow :lol: :lol: .

And then Jane offered to help mad Ma with her false stick on nails. Mad Ma normally gets her nails done at a salon and they are false, but with lockdown her nails are a mess and she doesn’t like it. Jane said stick on false nails were fine and she had been using them for several weeks.

Jane swears she will never buy mad Ma false nails again :shock: . Mad Ma could not get the hang of them at all.

Mad Ma wanted to sick them on half way up her nail.

“Why?’ Asked Jane very reasonably.

“Because they are too short!” said mad Ma.

“But they are painted so they will look stupid!” Advised Jane.

“What happens when they grow up?”

“You just take them off and put some new ones on”. Answered Jane.

“Well that sounds like a load of faff!”

“Ma, they’re only false bloody nails! It’s not a life changing event nor a life altering decision! Just stick the bloody nails on.”

After 25 minutes of this level of discussion Jane advised ma Mad to ditch the nails and wait until lockdown is unlocked. Jane simply doesn’t have the time to waste discussing minutiae with eejits :lol: :lol: :lol: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Mon Jul 06, 2020 5:53 am

What no Alans Blog this weekend . Has Jane finally snapped and done poor Alan in . Will she get a fair trial with 12 good men ( socially distanced ) how will hang man get to put noose around her neck from 2 metres .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Mon Jul 06, 2020 9:16 am

Jane, Jane? Alan, Alan? Maybe they have the lurgy :shock: I hope all is okay and all are well in the Alan/Jane family bubble.
Marilyn

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Mon Jul 06, 2020 3:30 pm

Hope so too Maz
Paul

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:07 am

I hope you are back today Jane, even if only to say hi to Paul and I. You have been missed. x
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 11, 2020 12:51 pm

Jane has no idea what happened last weekend :shock: . Alan (whose blog this is) didn’t do his blog. Jane thinks it’s because she was busy knitting and forgot all about reminding Alan to do it :shock: . Jane is knitting a blanket for number one grandson in utero. Jane has to knit because she is a granny-to-be and grannies always knit a lot. It’s the law :D :D .

Jane is going to start knitting Shreddies next :lol: :lol: .

And today Jane has had a hair cut :D :D :D . Jane feels lighter and happier and just marvellous. Jane’s hair is no longer flopping all over with bits that she cut with the kitchen scissors sticking up and looking ridiculous :shock: :shock: . In fact Jane looks nearly human again. Jane is getting her nails done next Saturday and then watch out! Jane will be her usual beautiful self :shock: :shock: (well provided she doesn’t look in the mirror). The poor hairdresser had to wear a mask throughout the whole process which is miserable but Jane didn’t care :lol: :lol: .

Actually between Jane and her reader the hairdresser looks better with the mask on as the hairdresser has an unfortunate face :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: . A bit like a robber’s dog :oops: :oops: . Still Jane doesn’t employ her for her aesthetics, just her hair cutting ability :shock: .

And then Jane got into Betty who was advising Jane that her tyres needed inflating :shock: :shock: . Betty is SOOO clever :D :D . Sadly not clever enough to tell Jane what pressure the tyres needed to be at :? . But with a little drive round Betty recalculated the tyre pressures and declared herself full as a gun :D :D .

The only thing left for Jane to come out of lockdown intact is some new bras. Jane’s bras are all falling to pieces indeed one has an underwire in one side and not in the other :shock: :shock: . Jane is reminded of the Chinese person called Wan Hung Lo.

This distresses Jane as she doesn’t want to be reminded of Chinese people in anyway shape or form at the moment.

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sun Jul 12, 2020 9:29 am

So happy to see Alan back on his blog and all is well :D Well as well as well can be right now anyway.
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 18, 2020 12:58 pm

So this week Jane is very confused :shock: :shock:. Alan (whose blog this is) is interested in the orient. Jane has previously ignored this strange hobby deeming it harmless. Until Wednesday when Jane came home from work to find a Japanese kimono hanging up in the front room :shock: :shock: . Jane’s reader needs to understand that this is not a westernised Kimono but the real thing and is floor length :shock: :shock: .

“It is for you!” Announced Alan with some pride. Jane had to admin that it was beautiful but was wondering where on God’s earth and more particularly Stockton, she would ever wear it, when Alan advised that she could wear it for work :shock: :shock: .

Jane was seriously thinking Alan had lost the plot entirely and said to him gently:

“I don’t think it would be suitable for work darling.”

“Well where are you going to wear it then?” Asked Alan.

Jane refrained from saying “EXACTLY!”

To make matters worse, Alan then announced that he had ordered 2 kimonos but the company had sent the wrong one and he was going to have to send it back. Thank the Lord thought Jane :oops: :oops: .

Imagine Jane’s discombobulation then on returning from work the following day to be advised by Alan that he had been in contact with the seller and she was so upset about sending the wrong one she had advised Alan to keep it and she would also send the correct one free of charge :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: .

So now Jane has three bloody kimonos to not be able to wear anywhere like ever :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: .

Jane is wondering if she can insist that the work Christmas party is a Japanese themed evening whereby she can wear one of the kimonos and hire the other two out to members of staff :lol: :lol: .

And yes Jane could potentially wear them as a dressing gown except they don’t fasten at the front, requiring an Obi (one of those wide sashes) to keep them together and cover Jane’s comestibles :shock: :shock: . Oh and by the way Alan has bought an Obi as well :shock: :shock: :roll: :roll: .

Jane may take to wearing them as dressing gowns leaving her comestibles dangling around for Alan to see. He’ll regret buying the kimonos then won’t he? :lol: :lol:

Jane sometimes thinks she is living in a parallel universe :shock: :shock: .

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Saxie
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Saxie » Sat Jul 18, 2020 11:50 pm

Saxie knows how Jane is feeling. Saxie’s husband visited Japan a few years ago as part of a work trip and he brought Saxie back a kimono. He was very proud of this and Saxie found it hard to dredge up a suitable enthusiastic response for the unexpected gift. Saxie cunningly created a oriental morning tea for her porcelain art club ladies and wore the kimono. One of the older ladies asked why it had 2 large pockets where the sleeves hung down. Saxie informed her one was for a handkerchief and the other for a hot water bottle. She was very impressed with this and thought it a very practical garment. Since then the kimono has hung behind Saxie’s bedroom door and very occasionally gets used as a summer dressing gown when Saxie decides to be kind and appreciative to her husband ( in the hope he will purchase her something better)
Saxie’s husband is being very kind at the moment. Saxie and her husband travelled down to a funeral yesterday - which they now call a celebration of life - for a 96 year old aunt who died during lockdown. On the way, when they stopped for lunch, one of Saxie’s blouse buttons fell off and Saxie was moaning about how she was going to be seeing a multitude of cousins with her blouse gaping open at the bust. After tossing around a few suggestions - such as ‘why not take the blouse off and just wear a vest’ , which was treated with the contempt it deserved, Saxie said maybe she could purchase a necklace to hang down and cover the gap. So Saxie’s husband found a jewellery shop, despite the fact that time was very tight for the journey, and told Saxie to run in and choose anything she wanted. So Saxie is now the proud owner of a very, very expensive amethyst pendant on a silver chain and is proud to say that nobody noticed the missing button.

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