Alan's blog........

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:00 am

Well if Jane wants to be warm enough to sit around in garden in just her shorts can I take it that she will be topless :shock: . I am on my way up north with my trusty fan heater .
The easy way to solve your AGM problem is to put all your GP's in a room with some paper and crayons while you decide what you want to make life easier for you type up results and then get GP's to sign it .
Are all calls recorded just thinking you could make a fortune by blackmailing Dr's who are playing away from home ( don't mean playing for Accington Stanley ) when they get a private call from mistresses ( if mistress is for female what's the male equiverlent ) .
Did you know that when a man marries his mistress there becomes a vacancy .
Why buy Yorkshire puddings surely all the years Alan (whose bolg this is) has taught you how to make them if not will give you recipe while holding fan heater for you :twisted:
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:24 pm

Jane thanks Paul for his helpful comments :roll: :roll: and indeed particularly loved the mental picture of all the GPs sitting in the meeting room colouring in :lol: :lol: :lol: . They would like that :lol: :lol: .

As for sitting in the back garden topless? Jane does not want Paul to arrive with his heater. Jane needs somewhere to hang her coat :shock: :shock: .

Jane has to point out to Paul that she is too busy and important to actually make Yorkshire puddings from scratch :shock: :shock: . Why bother when Jane's Aunt Bessie has already put the hard work in? And Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puds always rise :oops: :oops: .

Besides if Jane is too lazy, errm she means busy :oops: :oops:, to make ice cubes,Yorkshire puddings are hardly going to be a goer are they really? :roll: :roll:

Jane's number one Digger son + 1 and Jane's VERY intelligent daughter + 1 are all descending on Jane today :D :D . Jane made up the bed in the spare room and realised that the quilt and quilt cover are really rather sorry looking. So off Jane goes to Argos (not in person obvs, see comment above re ice cubes and Yorkshire puddings) - Jane hurtled off to her iPad and ordered a new quilt, a new quilt cover,some sheets and pillows and some matching curtains (yes Jane did get over-excited :oops: :oops: ) which will be delivered to the Sainsbury's down the road by 4pm today.

Jane is well-impressed by this new interwebbie stuff.

Jane thinks it may catch on.............. :D :D

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 22, 2017 2:07 pm

Well Jane arrived at Sainsbury’s after a helpful little email from Argos to say “your parcel is ready for collection”. And it was early. :D :D

And then the problems started :roll: :roll: . Jane arrived at Sainsbury’s all excited to discover that whilst her parcel was sitting in the warehouse waiting for her to collect it, the shop assistant couldn't give it to her because Argos had issued a refund.

Jane was very confused. She showed the assistant the receipt but he wouldn’t budge. He helpfully said to Jane “If it were me I’d just give you it.”

Jane said “But it IS you!” Which seemed fairly obvious to be honest. :shock: :shock: To cut a long story short Jane did get her parcel in the end with a fulsome apology from Sainsbury’s and a voucher for ten pounds “for your inconvenience”. Bargain! :D :D .

Jane returned home with her purchase and everybody sat down to eat and indeed appear to have continued eating since. After eating all of last night, they all got up this morning and ate again :shock: :shock: . Alan (whose blog this is) did a full English breakfast with about 900 rashers of bacon, 140 sausages, scrambled eggs made with the produce of 500 chickens over the period of a month, black pudding (the devil’s food in Jane’s opinion),27 tins of beans, 80 tins of tomatoes, 78 potato cakes and 10 gallons of fresh orange juice :shock: :shock: .

Then Jane’s VERY intelligent daughter asked for some bread and butter :shock: :shock: . And not one of them is overweight! Jane has no idea how they do it :roll: :roll: .

Mad Ma turned up for breakfast and said she was going home and then should she come back for Sunday lunch? :shock: :shock: NO! Said Jane with some force. :shock: :shock:

Jane is delighted to state that everyone has now returned home and Jane is chillin’ with exhaustion.

Apparently they are all descending for Christmas as well this year so Jane and Alan have to repeat the process. Jane is not sure she has the energy given also that both offspring have purchased cats and want to bring them with them on Christmas Day - what with Harry the Jack Russell Terror, 2 cats, mad Ma and 6 adults, Jane’s house will probably burst :shock: :shock: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 28, 2017 4:18 pm

Jane is delighted to report that she has 2 days off work on Monday and Tuesday due to utter exhaustion :shock: . Jane can’t wait.

Jane woke up on Friday morning to discover that she had a flat tyre which was so knackered it couldn’t be pumped up at all, despite Jane sending Alan (whose blog this is) out to pump up the tyre with the foot pump whilst Jane made herself beautiful in preparation for work :shock: :shock: .

So two things failed on Friday before 8am a) Alan was unable to pump up the tyre (Jane wonders what she keeps him for at times); and b) Jane was not beautiful despite copious applications of beauty products (sadly Jane can’t blame Alan for this, although if she could, she would :roll: :roll: ).

So Jane got a taxi into work. This is all very well as Jane lives within 2 miles of work so not a massive issue, but really! Jane has two cars sitting outside the house and had to get a taxi? What on earth is going on?

Reliable Derek has become a misnomer because he won’t start and Matilda was sulking with a flat tyre. :roll: :roll:

So that is part of the reason Jane needs 2 days off work a) to sleep and recharge her batteries and b) to sort out the cars.Jane sadly thinks Derek may have to go to the big scrapyard in the sky :cry: :cry: .

Jane is also going to buy paint to decorate the hall and stairs :shock: .

Jane’s life is the epitome of Rock ‘n’ Roll :roll: :roll:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:00 am

Jane’s mad. Ma turned up yesterday as usual :twisted: :twisted: to ask if we were doing Sunday dinner and could she come round :twisted: :twisted: . Mad Ma thereby manages to squeeze in two visits by using this methodology.

Jane has also been to the supermarket now she has a car she can drive and continues to marvel at how slow men are when using the self-service checkouts :shock: :shock: . Jane watched one man buying a bag of carrots. It took him about 20 minutes :roll: :roll: . He had to weigh the carrots so had to find ‘carrots’ in the alphabetical list on the screen. This apparently was very difficult for him for some reason.

And then he had to pay! Well god forbid that he could have had the money ready in his hand -nope! He had to delve in his pockets for 10 minutes to find the money. Then he had to stand working out the right amount and having failed at that he had to wait for his change which was evidently a really difficult manoeuvre for him :twisted: :twisted: .

Indeed it took him so long Jane was tempted to step in and do it for him :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane thinks his wife probably thought he’d left home it took him so long to purchase the carrots. Indeed Jane suspects the carrots were actually for Saturday tea he’d taken so long about it all. :D :lol:

His wife is probably having an affair and sends him out for carrots with the certain knowledge she could have had her lover round for 3 hours whilst her husband was away :shock: :shock: . In fact she’d probably completed a whole 37.5 hour week whilst he was at the shop.

:roll: :roll:

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Mon Oct 30, 2017 12:31 am

Does Jane wonder what Alan was up to during this epic performance? Round at this guys house with his wife? Questions need to be asked. :shock:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Oct 30, 2017 12:58 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Jane never thought of that Mike :shock: :shock: :shock: .

Never fear questions WILL be asked and Jane will not take the denial (there will obviously be one) at face value :shock: :shock: .

Jane will get out the now-obsolete TENS machine and apply it to various vital areas of Alan(whose blog this is)’s body :shock: :shock: .

This, coupled with a cattle prod and the light in his eyes always does the trick :roll: :roll: .

Alan has in the past admitted to alsorts of things he never did using Jane’s coaxing method. Jane then gets lots of treats for pay-back using Alan’s spurious guilt as her weapon of choice.

Ah! married life is such FUN :lol: :lol: .

Jane has to add that her trusty iPad changed married to marred :shock: :shock: . Jane thinks the predictive text is more intuitive than she had realised :lol: :lol: .

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:28 am

Pair of mole grips applied to vital area works well and improves singing voice any more advice needed from KGB handbook Olga sorry mean Jane
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Nov 04, 2017 1:03 pm

:lol: :lol: @ Paul.

Jane has no idea what a mole grip looks like, but in true determined fashion will wait until she finds a mole and ask him (for some reason Jane thinks all moles are boys :shock: ).

Talking of moles this reminds Jane of a Terry Wogan story. Terry Wogan was on a TV programme and it was extremely apparent that he ‘dressed to the left’ :shock: :shock: . Several viewers wrote in to complain (as you do) including one man who famously reported that Terry was wearing ‘mole skin trousers with the mole left in’ :lol: :lol: :lol: .

Jane remembers this because it tickled her. Not the mole that was in Terry’s trousers Jane hastens to add :shock: :shock: . Jane is quite easily tickled by rude stories and indeed Alan (whose blog this is) says that being married to Jane is like living with a 15 year old boy :shock: :shock:.

Jane doesn’t think Alan should share this story in case anyone ever thinks he did live with a 15 year old boy. In the current climate of everybody accusing everybody else of inappropriate sexual advances Jane thinks any comment could be misconstrued :roll: :roll: .

Jane has to say that having looked at some of the female MPs who are currently claiming inappropriate sexual advances from males are simply hopeful :shock: :shock: .

Which also reminds Jane of a recent local news story of a woman who had claimed that she had been sexually abused by 2 different men on 2 different occasions. It transpired that having taken both men through the justice system she had made it all up :twisted: :twisted: . Jane and Alan took one look at her (and believe Jane she was the biggest munter ever seen) and decided that the police should have realised she was making it up, because nobody, but nobody, even the partially sighted would have gone there :lol: :lol: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Nov 05, 2017 11:55 am

Jane has managed to head ma Ma off at the pass today and therefore has a free day to do with what she wants :D :D .

So far it has been a veritable maelstrom of very little :oops: :oops: .

Jane did however clear out her wardrobe of all the clothes that she has been hanging onto for the day when they will fit her again when she becomes svelte and a size 10 :oops: :oops: . Today Jane has decided to give up on the idea :oops: :oops: . It isn’t going to happen.

So Jane set off to the local supermarket to dump the clothes in the clothing bin for charity. As Jane was just dropping the clothes off she didn’t put on any make up, she didn’t bother to do her hair, she just arrived au naturel. Of course on arriving at the supermarket Jane decided she may as well get some ‘bits and pieces’ and typically managed to bump into 3 people from work whilst she looked like the dog’s dinner :oops: :oops: .

Is there someone, somewhere who engineers this kind of thing? Because if so,let Jane inform them that it really IS NOT funny :twisted: :twisted: .

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stuart13
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by stuart13 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 4:56 pm

You hang loose if you want too, Jane.

:)

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Fri Nov 10, 2017 10:32 am

Methinks you’re in for a bit of flak after that comment Stu. Lost the will to live? :shock:

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Saxie
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Saxie » Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:55 am

Jane should be grateful she doesn't shop in Saxie's local supermarket. Saxie frequently pops in after a dance performance dressed in full Bollywood or Spanish dancing costume. The checkout operators don't turn a hair as they are used to it but Saxie receives lots of compliments from customers on the way she dresses, which is very gratifying. Clothes may not maketh man but they sure seem to maketh woman. Today Saxie was driving back from walking in a parade in full steampunk costume- red ruffled long skirt, cream blouse, ornately decorated black and red hat and tasteful red and black corset. Naturally there were roadworks and the dude with the sign leaned on a Saxie's window and spoke to her in a very complimentary manner, all the while trying to peer down the front of her corset. He was unsuccessful and doomed to disappointment if he had succeeded as the most he would have spotted was a few tissues!
Saxie pointed out to the grandson in the car with her that she may be getting old but was still able to pull men! Grandson was overcome with laughter by this but Saxie suspects he was secretly impressed.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Nov 12, 2017 11:41 am

Jane posted a fulsome reply yesterday and was just finishing it as mad Ma arrived to annoy Jane with her now, apparently well established and traditional, Saturday early afternoon visit :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane’s post timed out :roll: :roll: . How annoying is THAT! :twisted: :twisted:

Jane however wants to :lol: :lol: :lol: @ Saxie’s description of her life and Jane is imagining the local residents near Saxie discussing Saxie’s exotic dress sense! :lol: :lol: .

Stuart of course needs to be careful about upsetting Jane and needs to also remember that he doesn’t live so far from Jane that a late night visit would be impossible for her :shock: :shock: . Jane of course doesn’t know exactly where Stuart lives but feels confident that if she walked into a local post office in the Lake District and asked for Stuart, someone would be able to point her in the right direction :lol: :lol: .

Jane will bring Alan (whose blog this is)’s TENS machine with her :shock: :shock: .

Despite Stuart’s comments Jane of course does not go sans supportive underwear even when she hasn’t donned her ‘face’. Gone are the days when Jane could go bra-less. There is of course the benefit of the wrinkles disappearing from Jane’s face if she doesn’t wear support garments but then she bruises her knees so it isn’t worth it :shock: :shock: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Nov 13, 2017 1:54 pm

Jane arose from her pit this morning with the intention of going to work.

Nope! Mathilda had a flat battery :twisted: :twisted: . Two weeks ago Mathilda had a flat tyre, today it’s the battery! :roll: :roll: .

Jane ordered a taxi again! So come lunchtime Jane had spoken to Alan (whose blog this is) and made an executive decision to take the remainder of the day off and resource a new battery. Hooray! The new battery has cost Jane nearly 100 squid :roll: :roll: . Just what Jane wanted so near to Christmas on top of the 40 squid for a new tyre :twisted: :twisted: .

Halfords were very good Jane hastens to add and checked Jane’s poorly battery (which Alan had spent to morning charging) and advised Jane that the battery was knackered.

Luckily Jane had no pressing engagements today so was able to take an afternoon’s annual leave. Some days that just isn't possible.

Jane hates cars! If Jane spends 150 squid normally she has something to show for it like a whole new wardrobe or something Jane can get pleasure from. But with cars it is just the same car with a new tyre and a new battery that does exactly what it did before Jane spent the money :twisted: :twisted: .

:twisted: :evil: :evil: Jane is sulking with Mathilda :evil: :evil:

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