Alan's blog........

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paul m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul m » Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:45 am

Sharon do you want a window cleaner 😁
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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 01, 2017 12:33 pm

:lol: :lol: @ Sharon and Paul.

Obviously Sharon doesn't want a window cleaner Paul. This would allow people to see her walking round naked more easily :shock: :shock: .

Jane also agrees with Sharon regarding curtains. Although in fairness Jane must advise Sharon that she doesn't have to wash curtains. You can just throw them out after 10 years and buy some new ones.

Jane does have a question for Sharon though. If Sharon has star lights around the window and stands in the window naked, does that mean Sharon is lit up for all to see?

Jane remembers the story of her brother standing in the front room naked whilst ironing his trousers when he was about 18. Jane hastens to add that he was alone in the house at the time. Jane also hastens to add that any man ironing whilst naked is taking a big risk of scorching something important :shock: :shock: .

However Jane has digressed.

There was a knock on the front door. Jane's bro put a towel round his important bits and answered the door to be faced with a woman who was furious that he was standing ironing naked in the front room and accused him of being a pervert. :lol: :lol: .

Jane absolutely agrees with Sharon- if you want to walk round naked in your own house and somebody sees you then they shouldn't be being so nosey in the first place.

Jane also thinks that should Jane ever be spotted by some unsuspecting member of the public whilst she was walking round naked that they would probably never look into anyone's house ever again they would be so traumatised. And serves them right!

Jane has the body of a 24 year old, but has been asked to give it back because she's making it all wrinkly. :shock:

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:31 pm

If you don't want windows cleaning I could leave them dirty and just peer in ( hope you haven't got any rose bushes don't want to rip my mac . :shock:
Paul

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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by 26.12.11 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:54 pm

Sharon lives in a townhouse, the living room is on 1st floor(Sassy we start at ground floor, then 1st, I know Amercans ground floor is their 1st)
If anyone is looking in then they are straining their necks. I also have privacy glass on one window as it is next to neighbours balcony (they would be able to see in)
I did have blinds up once about 10 years ago but naughty dogs ruined most of them.
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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Wed Oct 04, 2017 1:21 pm

paul.m wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:31 pm
If you don't want windows cleaning I could leave them dirty and just peer in ( hope you haven't got any rose bushes don't want to rip my mac . :shock:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Jane just wants to point out to Sharon that as Paul is a window cleaner and, Jane assumes, possesses a ladder then her living room being on the first floor is not going to keep her safe from prying eyes :shock: :shock: .

Unless of course, Sharon is wearing a nun's outfit whereby Jane suspects she may be quite safe. Of course if Sharon is naked then she won't be wearing a nun's outfit which begs the question of why Paul wants to look. Jane is getting quite confused :lol: :lol: .

Of course Paul could be a progressive window cleaner and not use a ladder but be in possession of a long pole. :shock: :shock:.

This actually has given Jane a chilling thought. Jane's window cleaner uses a long pole to wash Jane's upstairs windows, which Jane has found reassuring in terms of being overlooked whilst doing upstairs things. :oops: :oops:

What if, and here is the chilling part, Jane's window cleaner's pole has a camera attached? :shock: :shock: :shock:

Dun, dun duuuuun! :shock: :shock:

No - not to worry! On second thoughts had Jane's window cleaner overlooked her by camera whilst she was naked, he would never have come back to clean the windows again because he'd be in a psychiatric ward.

Panic over :D :D

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Wed Oct 04, 2017 4:46 pm

Have a long pole and a ladder what makes you think wearing a nuns outfit makes Sharon any safer .
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by 26.12.11 » Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:18 am

Much prefer a fat czech than a long pole
Sharon

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Fri Oct 06, 2017 6:57 am

That's a bit racist poor Poles just you wait till you need a plumber :lol:
Asked a North Koreon what's it like to live there he said " cannot complain "
Paul

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:02 am

Ahh Fat Cheque forgive me brain fried through over use , well that's my excuse and sticking to it .
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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:50 pm

Fat Check sounds like a weight watching club to Jane :shock: :shock:

Anyway - what a busy day Jane has had so far :D :D . Jane has, wait for it, built a kitchen table this morning :D :D . Obviously when Jane says she built the table it wasn't from absolute scratch like sawing a tree down and sanding the wood. BUT! It was a complicated flat pack and Jane got to it with alacrity :D :D .

Jane discovered however very quickly that her alacrity was useless and she needed an allen key :lol: :lol: .

Jane was even more delighted when the instruction stated that it was a two man build. Ha! Thought Jane with her usual modesty, I bet I can still do it on my own! And indeed she was right up until the very last bit when she needed Alan (whose blog this is) :twisted: :twisted: .

Alan returned from shopping and instead of saying "Well done darling! You have almost completed the table, what a clever wife you are!"

Alan said "How am I going to put the shopping away with all this mess on the floor, and why couldn't you have waited until later?" :shock: :shock:

'And what's that utter cr*p playing from your phone?" 'This utter cr*p' was Jane's best compilation of songs that she was playing whilst assembling :shock: :shock: . And "Where are we going to put the old table and chairs? No Jane they won't fit in the garage!" . They did fit in the garage and of course Jane had already factored this in. :D :D

Jane's reader can possibly see that Alan wasn't in the best of moods :lol: :lol: .

Then the fun started: Alan and Jane don't make the best team whilst assembling flat pack furniture which has been proved in the past.

Alan started to help Jane finish the table.

Alan: "This doesn't fit"
Jane: "Yes it does,look"
Alan: "NOW I have to go and find an allen key!"
Jane: "No there's one provided"
Alan: "It doesn't fit"
Jane: "Yes it does I've used the same one for all the other bolts so far"

Then they moved on to assemble the 4 chairs.

Alan: "There's only 4 legs for 4 chairs"
Jane: "No they are the spindles"
Alan: "The screw holes are in the wrong position!"
Jane: "No, you have the legs on backwards"
Alan: "That won't fit in there"
Jane: "Yes it will -look!"

This last comment was because Jane was threatening to shove a very large spanner up Alan's bottom :roll: :roll: .

So now Jane is sitting at her new kitchen table and chairs and admiring them whilst Alan sits in the front room perfectly happy in his grumpy world :lol: :lol: .

His very last grump was as he put the copious amounts of packing material in the garage and said "Well that's the garage full of rubbish AGAIN!"

Jane think she must be a saint. Mind Alan did admit (reluctantly) that the new table and chairs look very nice.

A small but satisfying victory for Jane.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:00 pm

Jane has had another busy morning so far.

Jane has done some washing ready for next week and Jane has done some knitting :shock: :shock: . Jane bets her reader didn't have Jane down as a knitter but Jane just loves knitting :D :D .

Last time she knitted it was a lovely cable jumper for Alan (whose blog this is). He was very happy with it and still wears it when Jane beats him over the head with an empty coca-cola bottle to remind him how much he loves his jumper :roll: :roll: .

Jane is slightly worried that she is turning into a Domestic Goddess what with assembling tables, washing and knitting all over the place. So Jane has decided that she is not going to cook at all this next week just in case.

The fact that Jane never cooks is besides the point :shock: . Jane has always thought "why have an Alan (whose blog this is) and cook yourself?". Jane may be paraphrasing slightly here.

Meanwhile mad Ma is arriving for Sunday dinner. Her arrival time could be anytime at all on past experience -despite the fact that lunch is scheduled for 2pm. Jane is just glad mad Ma goes to church on a Sunday morning else she'd turn up chez Dalgleish at 9 am asking if she is 'too early' :roll: :roll:.

Jane has invited number one digger son plus but they have declined with the excuse that they are investigating tunnels in Newcastle :shock: :shock: . Jane is unsure about this excuse to be honest -it all sounds a bit suspicious to Jane.

Jane is always suspicious of excuses given the number she has had to concoct over the years to deter mad Ma from descending for the day :oops: :oops: .

Actually Jane just wanted to show off her new table, which like magic, gets bigger if you do something with it. Jane and Alan haven't quite worked out the 'something' yet but Jane will persevere.

Jane has tried stroking it but that hasn't worked :shock: :shock: .

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Foxysally
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Foxysally » Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:07 pm

Sarah applauds Jane's knitting skills as she too knits. She once started knitting socks for Steve at his request. Halfway through Sarah realised she had knitted various lovely items for ex-boyfriends but always split up from them soon afterwards. Finishing the socks suddenly seemed like a dangerous pursuit. She therefore gave Steve the one sock and told him that was all he was getting. He seemed to find this a tad unreasonable but Sarah is happy to report they are still together, so it was a good strategy.

Sarah knits lots of lovely things for elder daughter and lots of weird items for younger daughter (who has unusual taste in clothes). She feels this is safe as they have Sarah as their mother by an unfortunate accident of birth and not choice.

Sarah would also be suspicious of the tunnel excuse, intriguing though it sounds. She hopes Jane enjoyed the rest of her day. If Jane stands at one end of the table with Alan (whose blog this is) at the other, and they both pull hard, might the table magically grow?

Sarah cannot be held responsible for any adverse incidents caused by following this advice.
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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Mon Oct 09, 2017 5:46 am

How much easier it would have been if Jane had followed the instructions . If it says its a 2 man build then get another man in to help Alan ( whose blog this is ) then Jane can just make the tea / coffee and job would have been done in no time .When Jane's son say's he is going to investigate tunnels it may have nothing to do with going underground .....could be that he wants to build a train set and wants to buy a tunnel for it .
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 14, 2017 12:34 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: @ Sarah and Paul.

Jane thinks Sarah's idea of only knitting the one sock is just marvellous. Obviously ex-boyfriends who legged it were able to do so because they had two socks thereby enabling them to don the socks and then their shoes and do a runner. If Sarah's husband only has one sock he will spend his time trying to find the other and therefore be unable to run away until he finds the sock.

Jane must advise however that Sarah never teaches him to hop :shock: :shock: .

Jane could not have allowed Alan (whose blog this is) to erect the table. It would have ended up being upside down with the chairs screwed to the side :shock: :shock: . Alan has many talents but table assembly is not amongst them. :shock: :shock:

Meanwhile Jane has had a mad week at work. This week was the practice's AGM (which is usually held once a year) :roll: :roll: followed by interviews for a new GP partner. This meant that Jane actually spent 11 hours with 8 GPs :shock: :shock: . If Jane's reader has any knowledge of GPs they will know that this is a feat of endurance only matched by climbing Everest whilst carrying a camel followed by swimming the Channel whilst wearing a sequinned frock and stilettos :shock: :shock: :shock: .

GPs are not known for being sensible and expressions like 'herding cats' is regularly applied when trying to get multiple GPs to agree. Sometimes 4 will agree and the other 4 won't so they have a discussion only to end up with the first 4 changing their minds and the second four thinking of a different solution altogether which the first 4 then have to think about again.

If you have 8 GPs in one room you have 10 different opinions. :roll: :roll: :roll:

Jane has learned that the minutes of the meeting have to be clear because two days later they will all deny having made the decision or even having had a discussion in the first place :shock: :shock: .

And as for booking annual leave in advance? Jane is going to introduce a new policy whereby the male GPs' wives need to be present whilst arranging this because without them the male GPs have no idea when school holidays are nor where they are going on holiday or for how long. Indeed Jane suspects that they probably don't even know who they are going on holiday with and would probably arrive at their destination with a complete stranger and not even notice for 2 days :roll: :roll: .

If Jane had no GPs and no patients at work the job would be a breeze :lol: :lol: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:57 am

Okay! Own up! Who's hidden the predicted heat wave? :twisted: :twisted:

Jane was expecting to be able to sit in the garden only wearing her shorts today :shock: :shock: . Having gone out to buy Yorkshire puddings (which Alan forgot to buy yesterday because as previously noted, he does not need a list :twisted: :twisted:) Jane can report that it is not balmy at all.

The only thing that is barmy are the weather forecasters in Jane's opinion. :shock: :shock:

And if you lot darn sarf are soaking up the rays then please don't insult Jane oop north by telling her so.

Jane is doing her usual Sunday morning chores and grinding her lions for the forthcoming week at work. Jane's practice is getting a new telephone system installed :D :D . Jane is very excited.

The new telephone system is one of those queueing systems: "Please hold the line, your call is important to us (not)" "You are number 48 in the queue" "Press 1 for prescriptions, press 2 for appointments, press 3 to be rudely cut off "by accident", press 4 for some calming music which you will need when you realise you've been on the phone for half an hour and there are no appointments" .

And the calls are all recorded :twisted: :twisted: . Jane is going to have such fun when patients ring to complain about the staff :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane: "Oh so the receptionist told you that you have a big nose did she? Well I will find the recording and listen to it."

Jane (sometime later): "Well Mrs Smith I have listened to the call and I can happily advise you that you were not being entirely truthful about the receptionist's comments. She actually said 'Mrs Smith you have an effing big nose'. Please do not bother me again with spurious complaints".

The downside is that the installation will take 3 days :shock: :shock: . Which is 3 days of utter chaos.

No difference there then :roll: :roll: .

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