Alan's blog........

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Post by maz » Tue Jun 29, 2010 6:56 pm

Marilyn has read many posts, and of course this wonderful blog, and realises that Jane is indeed a very caring carer of Alan(whose blog this is) and was pleased to read that Jane had dressed the third degree burns that Alan accidentally suffered from his playing with his TENS machine!! :wink: However Marilyn is slightly worried about all the animals in and around Jane's house now!

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Jane Dalgleish
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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:43 am

Marilyn need not worry about the animals in Jane's house - the dog has run away and the fish are all dead - so there are no animals left for Marilyn to worry about :shock: :shock: :shock:

Jane is having a few days off work at the moment and has decided to sit in the garden and do absolutely nothing. Alan seems quite relieved by this lack of activity on Jane's part and has even risked using his TENS machine surreptitiously, but Jane's reader should be reassured that Jane is not THAT daft, and is aware of Alan's use of the machine and will be making cunning plans whilst apparently innocently sunbathing :twisted: :twisted:

Jane has lots of things she should be doing in the house but because the sun is out Jane is ignoring them all. This is not as easy as it sounds - the washing is shouting "Wash me! Wash me!" in Jane's poor head and the council have written to Jane to say if she doesn't do some housework soon the house will be condemned and have some kind of European measures inflicted on it from on high. Jane doesn't care about all this and anyway, will blame Alan if anybody official turns up looking cross.

Jane's number one Tycoon son has a birthday today. He is 22! Jane thanks her reader for the congratulations she knows are on their way to her for raising a son to the age of 22 without any apparent problems like unwanted children or loose women. Alan, Jane suspects, was secretly hoping that some loose women would turn up at the house asking for number one Tycoon son, and Alan could take the opportunity to invite them in and pretend to be 22. Sadly Jane thinks Alan would have failed at this, as not only is he only 11 stone wet through, he has a shark bite across his stomach and a burned bald patch on his head. Jane doesn't think even VERY loose women would be interested in Alan at the moment.

Although this thought has given Jane a cunning plan. It's Alan's birthday soon and Jane will consider buying him a loose woman for the day to do what he wants with. Of course, Jane's reader needs to understand, this will be a virtual loose woman, not a real one. And Jane can say to Alan "This is what you could have had if you hadn't been silly and got the pancreatitis thing just to stop you having to do any housework" Jane thinks she is a lovely wife and Alan should be very grateful.

Sadly Jane doesn't think Alan agrees with her on this.................... Some people are so ungrateful :roll: :roll:

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Post by Dawn49 » Wed Jun 30, 2010 2:30 pm

Hi Jane :)

Congratulations on Numer One sons 22nd Birthday!! My sons, birthday is on Saturday and he'll be 18! Sadly won't be celebrating with him as he is in Cape Town, but.... he will be here in January 2011 :D :D :D


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Post by Saxie » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:00 am

As Jane's admittedly self appointed spiritual advisor, Swami is pleased to hear she is having a well earned rest. However Sami feels she hasn't yet tested the full potential of the Tens machine which Alan is so unfairly hogging. Image how useful it could be to connect it to the doorhandle to deter unwanted visitors, such as government health inspectors and jehovah's witnesses. Jane could also use it as a training aid to get her men to do the housework by administring sharp short shocks if they don't react when asked to perform such simple tasks as washing the clothes or the dishes.
Maybe Jane could connect it to the TV remote so that she is the only one to hold it with impunity?

Swami is not sure about the loose women. Swami still feels Jane's men should be worshipping her as a domestic goddess and she doesn't need the competition. Mind you, if Jane wears the lovely belly dancing outfit that Swami kindly sent her and doused herself in perfume, she might find that she is mistaken for a loose woman instead of a man and that could lead to all sorts of fun.

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:23 pm

Jane bows with gratitude at Contributor Dawn's message and congratulates her wholeheartedly on having an 18 year old son. Jane sympathises at the distance Dawn's son is from Dawn but thinks this cunning plan at least avoids Dawn having to pay lots of money for a drunken party for her son to celebrate. Jane says "Roll on January 2011!!"

Jane, as ever has read and thoroughly perused all of Swami's wonderful teachings. Jane particularly liked the one about deterring visitors. Jane therefore wired up the doorbell to the TENs machine, the car battery and a Roman Candle initially bought for Alan (see earlier blog for info). And then Jane waited.............................

Whilst waiting Jane donned the belly dancing outfit kindly sent by Swami, sadly Jane doesn't seem to have the same assets as Swami and several of Alan's non-paired socks were needed to create the fulsome effect Jane felt was aesthetically pleasing. Whilst Jane was admiring herself in the mirror (and trying a bit of a belly wobble :oops: :oops: :oops: ) Jane heard a bang and a whistling sound like a firework and a long, heart-rending groan.................

Jane ran down to the front door to find her postman looking dazed on the floor with smoke coming out of his nose. Jane ran to help him up only to find him asking dazedly "am I dead? I am seeing belly dancers in suburban Stockton!"

Jane rested his head on her lap like a true nurse and explained that she was a special nurse come to help him in his hour of need - Jane thought this was a marvellous explanation and felt a bit like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind.

"I will soothe your fevered brow my friend!" Said Jane, getting into character remarkably well Jane thought (and knows her reader will agree).

At this point however one of Alan's socks fell out of Jane's outfit and landed on the postman's head. Jane was a little embarrassed, but valiantly used the sock to mop the postman's brow, whilst whispering "there, there. You will be okay!"......................................................

Now Jane needs some advice from her reader............................... Alan returned home at this point and found Jane dressed as a belly dancer, cradling a strange man's head in her lap, with a Roman Candle stuck in the garage door.

Jane has thought of lots of reasons for this position in order to placate Alan, but is struggling to be honest. Any advice would be welcomed as Alan has confiscated the TENs machine for ever, is threatening to sue the post office for damages to his garage and has told Jane if he ever sees her wearing the belly dancer's outfit and cradling a strange man's head again, he will poke her eyes out with a pencil.

Jane is a bit bereft...............................

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Post by Saxie » Sat Jul 03, 2010 12:21 am

Swami is, as ever, shocked that her well meaning attempt to bring pleasure to Jane's life has resulted in such a catastrophe. Swami takes full blame for this as she reralises that she forgot to send Jane the one component of the belly dance costume that no self respecting dancer would be without - the veil. This large purple flowing silk veil would have completed Jane's outfit and enabled her to drape it across her face and cover all but her eyes. She could then have peered out seductively at whomever she pleased, secure in the knowlege that nobody would recognise her. When Alan (whose blog this is) discovered Jane with the postman, she would then have been veiled in mystery.

Swami is sorry that Alan has taken back his Tens machine. Swami does not need one of these as her property is ringed by a 7 wire electric fence. Swami can go and grab the fence any time she wants to light up her life, although not suprisingly this urge does not come on very often. Jane should suggest to Alan that he hook himslef up to the fence at her place to keep pout wandering dogs and marauding vikings. Swami is not sure if there are still marauding vikings around where Jane lives but all she learned at school suggests that Britain is thick with them.

Swami will send Jane a veil by air mail (although in the meantime she can made do with a tablecoth) and then she will be able to lure unsuspecting vikings into the house where Alan (whose blog this is) can zap them with the tens machine. Swami can hardly wait to hear of the success of this plan and is sure that Alan's reader will be avid for the details.

Swami would also like to sympathise with Marilyn for her 2 big problems but assure her that if she grows her hair long enough, it can cover the largest ears.

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Sat Jul 03, 2010 11:11 am

Jane decided to embrace Swami's teachings again - well she has always been a sucker for punishment :roll: :roll:

Jane donned the belly dancer's outfit again, and due to the embarrassing problem with the recalcitrant sock, used two oranges instead. Jane looked wonderful, as her reader can imagine.

Jane whipped the tablecloth from the table, although the well-known trick of not breaking any cups, was not very successful :oops: and tucked it behind her ears.

Jane then sashayed :roll: :roll: in to see Alan (whose blog this is), who screamed in horror! Jane thought it was because her disguise was so good Alan was unsure of who she was, however, it transpired that Jane had sashayed across the TV just as a goal was scored.

Jane was told to go away and stop using household things to hide behind and to "take off that ridiculous outfit". Jane has to apologise to Swami as she needs Swami to understand that Alan didn't really mean that the outfit was ridiculous, he was just in a state of extreme distress due to the missed goal. Jane feels sure that if Alan has a little time to calm down he will apologise to Swami himself.

Jane, then bored, decided to seek out a marauding Viking. Jane thinks that Swami's school may have been using very old books for their historical information, but thought it was worth a try anyway. However, having roamed the streets for hours in her belly dancing outfit, Jane didn't find one single Viking. She met a couple of people who looked like they might be Vikings in that they were tall and had blonde hair, but as Jane approached them they ran away. Jane thought Vikings were supposed to be tough and fight a lot, so she thinks maybe they were either a) not Vikings or b) uneducated Vikings who hadn't read the same books as Swami.

Jane had to come home and make the tea - haricot et jus du tomate avec le pain - beans on toast :roll: :roll: Jane is exhausted...................

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Mon Jul 05, 2010 5:30 pm

Jane has been to the doctor's today and been officially diagnosed as a complete nutter. Jane's doctor has given Jane some time off work to allow the nutter bit to subside and see if the sensible Jane can some through successfully. Jane thinks her doctor is on to a loser on that score! Jane is now 50 and has been officially a nutter for 20 years, so to be honest, it's only a matter of time before Jane has been a nutter for longer than she hasn't.

Alan (whose blog this is) is sleeping, completely unaware that Jane is once again an official nutter, although Jane suspects that Alan knows Jane is a nutter and has just learned to live with it.

Jane thinks Alan should be very careful in his opinions. Jane does not use a machine that requires batteries (stop it!) and doesn't take mind-altering opiates.

Jane can still multi-task if required and understands that asking directions is perfectly acceptable if she is lost. Jane knows what kitchen appliances do and why. Jane does not feel the need to scratch her nethers if confused or tired. Alan, as a man, struggles with all these things. And the doctor thinks Jane is a nutter! Mind the doctor is a man as well, so Jane is onto a loser here.

Jane, however, knows the doctor knows what he is talking about because when he said to Jane "You are a nutter!", he wasn't scratching his nethers, so therefore Jane knows he wasn't confused. Although when he started dribbling, Jane had some doubts.

Jane thinks being an official nutter is cool. Jane has always been a bit "blonde" but as a brunette struggled to find her place in the big wide world. Once Jane got to 50, she could blame her "blondeness" on her age, but now she is once again officially a mental patient, then Jane can do exactly as she wants and smile with a vacant expression in her eyes and get what she wants.

Jane is considering going into a local eatery, buying the most expensive meal, eating it and then starting to dribble and shout. Jane thinks that she will probably get away with this, especially if Jane goes at the most popular time. The staff will just want Jane off the premises.

The possibilities are endless on this one. Jane is concocting a cunning plan....................................

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:07 pm

Jane is at a loose end.................

She has given up on marauding Vikings as they don't seem to maraud any more in Stockton-on-Tees :roll: :roll: Jane can't find the TENS machine as Alan has hidden it (he is so mean), the dog has come home but without the TENS machine to attach to her Jane can't have any fun with her................

Jane has resorted to contemplating her greatness (which only took a few seconds), contemplating her belly-button (which was REALLY boring) and picking her nose. Now Jane's reader needs to understand that Jane has long nails so picking her nose isn't as boring as it sounds, because actually it is quite dangerous! Jane is always worried that she may end up with a part of her brain on the end of her fingernail, and as Jane's brain has been officially diagnosed as limited (for the time being at least) then Jane doesn't want to take the risk of disturbing it any more than necessary.

Some people may say that Jane's brain has always been disturbed, Alan (whose blog this is) is one of these people. But Jane thinks Alan just doesn't see things in the same way Jane does. And obviously, as a man, he is wrong, so Jane is therefore, by default right! :D :D :D

Jane is thinking up cunning plans but as she is now mentally bereft, the best one she can come up with is going to the fish and chip shop for tea. Jane apologises to her reader if said reader is one of those unfortunates who cannot do fish and chips, but as Jane is mentally bereft, she can't be blamed for anything :D :D :D Jane likes this.

Jane has spent her life trying not to be blamed for anything and had Jane known that she only needed to be diagnosed as mentally bereft, then she would have gone for it sooner. So far Jane thinks being a mentally bereft, mental patient is pretty good.............. She doesn't have to go to work, she can be really silly and everyone smiles indulgently, she can forget things like borrowing money from people and they can't argue and she can wear her knickers for a week and everyone thinks this is a passing phase.................

So far so good......................

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Post by stuart13 » Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:12 pm

You lost me about 2/3rds down. :roll: :roll:

It's no wonder you women can talk for hours on the phone.

:roll: :wink:

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Post by Rita » Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:28 pm

I think Jane needs a holiday. 8)


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Post by volup » Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:08 pm

Oh, oh. I understood Jane's message. Does that mean I am mentally bereft? :? :lol:


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Post by Saxie » Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:10 pm

Jane is obviously in need of Swami's guidance, again. Swami suggests that Jane should do what every other nutter does, and that is to start her own religion. Now naturally the object of worship will be the goddess Jane and she can pronounce her own set of rules for her followers to adhere to. Religious followers like nothing better that to feel they are suffering so there need to be rules covering any aspect of enjoyment of life.

Dietary restrictions can be fun and I am sure Jane can think of ways in which her followers will suffer tremendously while of course she herself is not expected to abide by these guidelines.

A dress code is another good one, particularly for women who, apart from Jane, will be held to be vastly inferior to any man, no matter how slow witted.

A chant is another prerequisite - something along the lines of - Jane the great, you are wonderful, we adore you, you will live forever! Hymns of praise tend to go down well in some situations too, although Jane needs to be sure she really likes the music as she will be hearing a lot of it.

Jane's fertile imagination should know no bounds with this idea and she is bound to become rich. She can have her own TV show and have a team of minions gathering in all the largess that will flow her way when she calls for the faithful to support her by shunning their wordly goods in her favour.

Swami is really excited about this and thinks she had better offer straight away to become Janes's manager as the flow of riches is going to be overwhelming and Swami is not one to spurn this - despite it being clearly understood that Swami is spiritually orientated and not dependant on wordly possesions of course.

Swami is sure that Alan (whose blog this is) will be appointed some lowly postion in Jane's new life so that he can continue to feel valued and cherished.

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:11 pm

Jane would like to officially appoint Swami as her manager, and Vonnie as her first recruit to the new religion as she understands Jane. Rita can be events co-ordinator as she wants to organise a holiday for Jane.

Jane needs to think of a name for herself and has decided on Persephone. The new religion which will also have to be named and something like the Highly Intelligent People In Complete Rapture At Persephone (or HIPICRAP for short).

One of HIPICRAPs first teaching is the ability to wear your thong for 6 days without washing (a thong as in knickers for any foreigners amongst us).

Day 1 Wear the correct way
Day 2 Wear them with the gusset ( :oops:) on your right hip
Day 3 Wear them with the gusset on your left hip
Days 4 - 6 Turn them inside out and reverse the above process. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jane aka Persephone is now thinking up lots of other rules that will be useful and save on household chores.

Jane went downstairs to tell Alan she had started a new religion with the help of Swami and that Alan had to worship her. Alan looked askance at Jane (well Jane thinks it was askance, but is not sure what it means) and said two words to Jane the second one of which was "off". The first one is not to be mentioned ever again as it was VERY rude.

Jane thinks Alan needs a little time to adjust to this worship idea although with the help of a whip and a sharp stick, Jane thinks she can probably get Alan into line quite quickly.

Men of course, can join the religion, but have to embrace the 1st rule. Jane thinks this may have to be altered as there will be too many men joining, as they all where their underpants for 5 days at least without problem naturally, so the first rule may have to be something unnatural to men, like changing the toilet roll when empty.

Jane likes Swami's idea and can see many happy days ahead thinking up new rules and being worshipped. Jane of course, as an officially mentally bereft person can make up as many silly rules as she wants and blame her medical condition. :lol: :lol: . Jane may even take to walking out in public recruiting new members by checking their underwear. Although on second thoughts, this doesn't sound very pleasant and she may have to order one her willing recruits to do this.

Jane aka Persephone wonders if there are any offers to do this task? It will simply take someone to approach potential recruit, stick their hands down the person's trousers and rummage about a bit. Jane suggests rubber gloves should be provided to the volunteer out of the religion's funds.

Jane is having a lovely day now, thinking of rules and picking her nose without fear........... She has also stopped wiping the dribble off her chin, Swami is a star!!!!

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Post by Jane Dalgleish » Wed Jul 07, 2010 4:39 pm

Jane's reader is having a lucky day - or not, as only her reader can decide, as Jane has managed to post two blogs today. Jane's life is such a whirlwind of inactivity Jane can hardly keep her eyes open to deal with it!!

This second blog is so Jane can report on her day so far - apart from, of course her new serious job of starting a new religion, which is of course taking up a lot of time...........

Jane threw Alan off the computer so she could play on her shoot the alien game. This game is VERY involved and includes shooting aliens, funnily enough. Nobody understands the responsibility of shooting these Aliens, Jane seems to be the only one in the house who realises what a terrible task it is, and especially when the aliens keep winning. Jane is going to write to her MP to let him know that she is constantly losing the battle and could do with some government funding to help her with the task.

As Jane is shooting aliens, Alan (whose blog this is) is bored, so he has decided to play his guitar. There is good news and bad news in this, in that Alan has not felt up to playing his guitar for many months (this is the good news), and that as he sings along to his own playing he is distracting Jane from her onerous task of killing the aliens (this is the bad news).

So the aliens keep on beating Jane and Alan keeps on playing his guitar and Jane needs to let her reader know that the aliens are taking over the world right now!

When Jane tries to tell Alan he just smiles at her and says "are they?" in a kind of dreamy, I am playing my guitar, way.

Now Jane's reader needs to know that Jane is venturing into the "big beyond" tomorrow - ie Manchester, for her number one daughter's graduation. Jane is nervous and worried about what the aliens will get up to whilst she is away for the day. Jane tried telling Alan, but he does not take this seriously.

Jane is going with her number one mum on a choo-choo tomorrow to a BIG town. Jane thinks it will be fun and wonders if there will be any candy-floss..........................


Jane apologises to her reader for the gap in the blog - Alan made her take her mentally bereft pills and now Jane is fine again.................... apart from those aliens..........................

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