Alan's blog........

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:10 pm

paul...m wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 7:50 pm
Jane a good girl :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
It has been known :shock: :shock: . Jane can't remember when but there must have been at least one occasion .......

Okay. Maybe not :oops: :oops: .

So today Jane is going to kill Alan (whose blog this is) slowly and painfully by hitting him repeatedly with a teaspoon :evil: :evil: . Alan has a cold aka triple COVID 19 (is that then COVID 57? :shock: ). So as a result he is huffing and puffing, moaning and groaning. He huffs and groans his way into the kitchen and then puffs and moans his way back out and is generally feeling sorry for himself.:evil: :evil: .

Well somebody has to feel sorry for him :oops: :oops: . Jane needs her mad Mad to come and visit to give Alan sympathy. Actually, Jane will rephrase that - ALAN needs mad Ma to come over :lol: :lol: . Alan is cross with Jane because she is not doing sympathy. Alan has been married to Jane for 16 years (and coincidentally Jane has been married to Alan for the same length of time :shock:) and should know better. Alan accused Jane of giving sympathy to everybody but him. Well he's mistaken there! Jane has NEVER done sympathy :oops: :oops: .

Jane didn't even do sympathy with her offspring. Jane and sympathy should never be two words that exist in the same sentence :oops: :oops:.

Anyway Alan has gone back to bed with a cross face on (Alan, not the bed). Jane is working hard once again doing Alan's blog for him and will shortly go and watch a plethora of JJ :D :D .

But Jane thinks this is grossly unfair! The gate needs work and the porch walls needs sanding down! AND Jane has had to go shopping again :evil:. And Alan is feeling cross? :shock: :shock:

He needs to be in Jane's shoes for a day :shock: .

Actually this is not a good idea: a) Jane's shoes are 3 sizes smaller than Alan's and would therefore give Alan even more excuses to complain; b) Jane is not really a fan of cross-dressing men and certainly doesn't want to be married to one. What next after Jane's shoes? Her underwear? :shock: :shock:

This is a line that does not want to be crossed!

Jane will have to hurry off now to hide her shoes, just in case Alan loses the run of himself in his fevered state :shock: :shock: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 04, 2020 11:34 am

Well miraculously Alan (whose blog this is) has recovered from his deadly virus :roll: :roll: .

This was as a direct result of Jane suggesting she did a curry for today's Sunday lunch if Alan wasn't well enough to do a proper roast. Alan went into panic mode :shock: :shock: . Curry for Sunday lunch? What on earth? The world had apparently gone mad!

At the very thought of Jane making a curry Alan became instantly better and insisted Jane bought a joint. Jane felt very much like going out and buying an hallucinogenic joint to be frank (Jane is not sure if they can make you into Frank, nor any idea who Frank is), but has no idea where to source them :shock: :shock: . Maybe that's where Frank comes in?

Sadly Jane doesn't know anybody called Frank and could hardly walk round accosting random men and saying "Are you called Frank and if so do you have any dope?". Jane could see this approach ending in tears or at the very least a trip to the police station :shock: :shock: . On second thoughts, if Jane were locked up, would the police feed her and could she ask for curry? Jane knows not to ask a policeman for a joint however :shock: :shock:. Jane has never been locked up (which at times of introspection Jane finds quite amazing :oops: ) so she doesn't know whether you get fed or if you do you get a choice of menu.

Jane does know that asking a policeman for a joint would be just a little foolish.

Unless he were called Frank of course and then who knows? :shock:

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Mon Oct 05, 2020 6:00 am

Was it the thought of Janes cooking that made Alan recover so fast . I know a Frank or I did he is no longer of this world but if you want to contact him in the after life say Paul says Hi .
If you want some dope maybe police station is best place to go , bit like when teachers confiscated fags at school then sat in staff room smoking them so what do police do with dope .
C
The condemed used to get a last request so you could ask for a joint then .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 10, 2020 1:24 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jane will surely remember if she ever attends a seance to say hi to Frank from Paul :roll: :roll: . No good asking him for any drugs as Jane thinks it would be hard to transport from the afterlife. Jane had an Uncle Frank but he died, just like Paul's Frank. Jane is glad she's not called Frank, it seems they have a penchant for dying :shock: :shock: . Jane's Uncle Frank didn't have any drugs either, or at least none that he mentioned to Jane.

Jane has had to go shopping today again due to Alan (whose blog this is) still apparently having a virus :roll: :roll: . If it is the same virus as last week then Jane is suspicious. Jane may suggest curry for sunday dinner again tomorrow to see if that perks him up :lol: :lol: . Jane has never known a virus last as long as the one Alan apparently has :roll: :roll: . Jane suspects he is swinging the lead.

Alan must be swinging the lead in private because she has never caught him doing it and as far as Jane knows they have no lead nor anything to swing it with. Unless Alan is going on the roof and swinging :shock: :shock: . As far as Jane is concerned if Alan is brave enough to get on the roof in order to swing then he can get on with it :shock: :shock:.

Jane suspects there is going to be a local lockdown again this coming week because the great unwashed of Stockton are apparently going around licking each other or some such dubious behaviour :evil: . Jane won't be able to go to the pub from Wednesday. This is hardly a problem given that Jane can't remember the last time she went to a pub and certainly not on a school night :roll: :roll: . And why Wednesday? Does this not give the Stockton lickers more time to lick each other before Wednesday and spread more spiky things?

Jane hasn't licked anyone for so long now she thinks she may have forgotten how :shock: .

And Jane has had her flu jab given to her at work whilst she was talking to someone on the phone :shock: . The nurse came round, stabbed Jane in the arm and ran away :shock: . Well at least it was free :roll: :roll: .

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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sat Oct 10, 2020 6:43 pm

Could have been worse you could have been bending over to pick up a paper clip :shock: :shock: ( I deleted what I was going to say incase we have any younger readers ).. So Alan is a swinger :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Oct 11, 2020 12:00 pm

paul...m wrote:
Sat Oct 10, 2020 6:43 pm
Could have been worse you could have been bending over to pick up a paper clip :shock: :shock: ( I deleted what I was going to say incase we have any younger readers ).. So Alan is a swinger :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
:lol: :lol: And yes Alan (whose blog this is) may well be a swinger. As Jane said, if he wants to swing on the roof then he is a better man than I am Gungha Din :lol: :lol:.

Alan has recovered sufficiently to cook the sunday dinner, so no curry again for Jane this week :roll: :roll: . Mad Ma is on her way over to regale Jane with the same stories that she regaled her with last week. At least Jane doesn't have to listen to how lovely all the god botherers at mad Ma's church are, because the church is shut :roll: :roll: . Jane thinks the church should be open so people can tell God what is going on :? :? and ask him to do something about the spiky thing and licking.

Jane's number one DIgger son is not coming over evidently having something more interesting to do today :roll: :roll: . Alan is cross because he cooked baby George a Yorkshire pudding especially for him. Jane can't be doing with this feeding babies milk business! Give them a Yorkshire pudding to put hairs on their chest and make them turn out 'ard like the rest of us Ooop north.

Jane ate Yorkshire puddings from about 2 weeks old and she's 'ard alright :shock: :shock: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:06 am

Ard and hairs all over her chest if been eating Yorkshire pudds since 2 . Very versatile thinks Yorkshire pudds ex wife introduced me into eating them as a dessert with jam .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Oct 17, 2020 11:54 am

paul...m wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:06 am
Ard and hairs all over her chest if been eating Yorkshire pudds since 2 . Very versatile thinks Yorkshire pudds ex wife introduced me into eating them as a dessert with jam .
Aye! That's reet! Normal round these parts! :shock: :shock: Mind we only 'ave one meal a week so we 'ave to make most of it. It's grand Oop north but 'ard. Very, very 'ard. Wokking downt mines is tuff, but the bairns soon get used t'wit. Bit a coal dust int nappy never did anybody any 'arm.

And then once a weeeek we 'ave our dinner. It's summat to looook forward to and woe betide if you are sleeping whent dinner goes art ont table. Yours gets scoffed by everyone else. It's dog eat dog Oop north and there's many a Sundee the bairns 'ave 'ad to eat dog cos there were nowt else left ovver. Dogs gets a bit fed oop mind.

Jane has to add that she doesn't speak like this because she hasn't got a Yorkshire accent, mainly because she doesn't live in Yorkshire :shock: . Jane has a Stockton accent which is even worse although she does try to be a bit posh when she's talking to people. It doesn't work :roll: :roll: .

Jane would also like to add that she DOES NOT have hairs on her chest :shock: :shock: . She shaves them off.

Jane thinks that Stockton is much maligned. There are some lovely places here. Jane is not sure where they are :roll: :roll: .

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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Mon Oct 26, 2020 5:52 am

No Jane this weekend has Jane been got at by dreaded virus or lost under a pile of dirty nappies.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Nov 07, 2020 12:49 pm

Jane apologises to her reader. Jane has had computer connectivity problems due to some nob cutting through something somewhere that affected the whole estate where Jane lives. Jane thought her life had come to an end :shock: :shock: .

Jane has been bereft of computer wizardry and has been forced to have conversations with Alan (whose blog this is). This is not a place Jane wanted to be. Jane even bought a new TV in order to avoid conversations with Alan but it arrived the day of the lockdown so Jane's number one DIgger son is unable to come over and fix it to the wall and the new TV was therefore sitting in the hall in a box :roll: :roll: . This was until Alan decided HE was going to fix the TV to the wall :shock: :shock: .

Jane is now in a state of panic believing that the TV will be fitted upside down (at the very least) and probably facing the wall :roll: :roll: . Jane was going to supervise fitting of the aforementioned TV but has lost patience with all the bolts, screws and washery things. There are millions of them that don't appear to fit anywhere.

Jane sees no reason why the TV can't be fitted to the wall with gorilla glue?

Meanwhile Jane had a nasty experience at work last week. On looking in the mirror whilst wearing her facemask, Jane discovered that her eye bags were hanging over the top of the mask :shock: :shock: :shock: . Of all the things that have happened this year, that is without doubt the very worst :shock: :shock: .

Jane is beyond inconsolable :shock: :shock: . She has tried sellotape without any useful effect and is now desperately hanging onto the hope that nobody will recognise her with her mask on.

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:09 am

Marilyn truly sympathises with Jane over the internet 'outage'. Marilyn goes into a fit of sulks and depression if her internet goes off for 30 seconds so does not know what a long period minus the wonderful web would do to her :shock: :shock: She is happy now that Jane's link is operational again and hopes the perpetrator of said cutting through the something has been duly dealt with and sent to jail! Marilyn is happy Jane is back and nothing too serious happened whilst we were incommunicado :D Well other than Jane having to actually converse with Alan(whose blog this is)
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:48 pm

Jane thanks Marilyn for her empathy.

Certainly being without the interwebbie was bad, but talking to Alan (whose blog this is) was a real bad do! :shock: Jane did however find out that he likes two spoons of sugar in his tea which she didn't know about :oops: :oops:. This made Jane realise how often she makes tea for Alan (ie not very often :oops: :oops: ). And Jane was only forced into making him a cup of tea to avoid any further conversation :lol: :lol: .

Meanwhile by some miraculous act of God (or more accurately Alan) the new TV is on the wall. However due to miscommunication between number one Digger son and Alan, Jane managed to pay £20 for a new bracket only to discover that all that was needed was 4 long screws :roll: :roll: .

Meanwhile Jane has knitted George another jumper and is in the process of knitting him a labrador :shock: :shock: . This is obviously not a REAL labrador - Jane is quite a good knitter but not THAT good. Jane can further avoid conversations with Alan by pretending to be counting her stitches :lol: :lol: .

And Jane asks her reader not to dob her into the rozzers but she has broken lockdown by visiting George :oops: :oops: . Jane felt very guilty about this but had carried out a risk assessment with number one DIgger son and decided that there was no risk to anyone. However Jane did feel the need to wear a kaftan and a blonde dreadlock wig in order to impersonate a social worker just in case anyone was watching :shock: :shock: . Jane could always try to deny flouting the law but with the only one of 2 orange and black Minis in Stockton Jane feels she may struggle :shock: .

Of course Jane could always say her name was Dominic Cummings and squint at the policeman and she would be fine. Indeed she could say to the policemen "I am Dominic Cummings and my eyesight is so bad I've turned up at the wrong house."

It was all worth the covert undercover operation to see George who smiled at Granny :D :D :D .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sun Nov 15, 2020 4:39 am

Smile or wind . Only trouble with Domonic story is that he is now a nobody just a marked man so may let you off lockdown rule bending and find something more serious to fit you up with .

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Saxie
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Saxie » Sun Nov 15, 2020 8:57 pm

Jane is lucky she does not live in New Zealand. The prime minister aka control freak set up a special phone number for people to dob in those they perceived as breaking lockdown rules.
On a personal level, as Jane works in Healthcare, I assume she has factored in the risk of transmitting bugs to her new born and highly vulnerable grandchild. Personally I wouldn’t take that risk although my 10 grandchildren are all older so the gloss has rather gone off them.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri Nov 20, 2020 12:55 pm

Jane has factored in her career in healthcare but must reassure her reader (and Saxie) that a full risk assessment was carried out before the covert visit. Jane in her esteemed position has no contact at the moment with patients face to face. This is a GOOD THING for a variety of reasons, not just contamination :shock: . Jane also has her own office so has little close contact with contaminated co-workers. Jane also stood outside her son's house naked and rubbed herself down with sanitiser prior to entering :shock: :shock: .

Jane is very cross with Paul suggesting that number one grandson didn't smile at Jane. He DID smile. It was probably out of pity but a smile nonetheless :P :P .

Meanwhile Jane is going to write to her local MP to ask if all very old people can be shot. Jane was standing waiting outside her local shop freezing her bottom off and waiting for a very old lady to come out. The very old lady was evidently not in any hurry and was happily pottering. When she eventually emerged from the shop she had bought a bottle of milk :? :? . How long does it take to choose a bottle of milk really? And Jane would have severely chastised her for being mean had she been able to move her lips. Sadly Jane's lips were frozen together :shock: :shock: .

Today Jane has a day off work to grind her lions for the onslaught of the COVID vaccination which is going to such great fun! :shock: :shock: Jane may even get to vaccinate patients herself as apparently the government has decided that anyone can administer the jab. Jane is going to see if Harry the Jack Russell terror may be interested. He needs some money due to spending all his pocket money this month so may be up for the challenge.

Having very short legs he would have to stand on a table to reach the appropriate part of the patient's body but Jane doesn't see any problems with that.

And today to ensure the day is not wasted Jane has painted the vestibule. Having a vestibule makes Jane sound posh when in reality it is called a vestibule because it is too small to be called a hall :roll: :roll: . This project has only been waiting for about 6 months to be completed but nevertheless today it is done.

Well the walls anyway. Jane has charged Alan with doing the woodwork :lol: :lol: .

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