Alan's blog........

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paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Tue Sep 01, 2020 6:34 am

Careful Jane or when little G grows up he will start asking how you know she has warts and hair growing out of her bum . Dont think he will care what knickers either of you wear whether big passion killers or Janes G string :shock:

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:27 pm

Oh, the granny wars :lol: Marilyn has a friend whose granny name is Big G. Marilyn has absolutely no idea why as said friend is not big in any direction. Maybe the other granny is Little G.
Marilyn

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Wed Sep 02, 2020 7:28 am

One thing my Great Grandmother never used , passion killers as she had 21 children if she did they never worked :)

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Sep 05, 2020 12:31 pm

paul...m wrote:
Wed Sep 02, 2020 7:28 am
One thing my Great Grandmother never used , passion killers as she had 21 children if she did they never worked :)
:lol: :lol:

Jane popped over to see little G today and the 'other' granny was cuddling him :shock: :shock: :shock: . Jane was fit to burst with frustration and sheer jealousy. Anyway, after some time and some not very subtle hints from Jane like "Oh I'm only popping in, a cuddle would be nice. YOU can cuddle him when I'm gone!" :shock: little G was handed over :shock: . Jane wonders if her saying "when I'm gone" made bad granny think Jane was about to expire?

Jane will use whatever it takes. :lol: :lol:

However bad granny and Jane bonded over machiavellian plans to take little G out when he gets older, fill him with sweets and chips, and send him back home full of sugar for his mummy and daddy to deal with the aftermath :lol: :lol: .

Meanwhile Alan (whose blog this is) has gone for his Saturday shopping trip. Thankfully this has resumed again since Alan rudely falling over and fracturing his hip. Jane is far too busy and important to use her leisure time for boring pursuits like food shopping. Sadly this also means that Jane is back to suffering Alan's menu :roll: :roll: .

Jane has pondered at times why on earth she and Alan married as they don't agree on anything: food, television programmes, the dog, the car, decor, or kimonos. Anyway, having just suffered (sorry - celebrated :shock: ) their 16th wedding anniversary something must be working :roll: :roll: .

Maybe it's just that at her great age Jane can't be bothered to look for anyone else and after 16 years of training Alan, hasn't the energy to start again? :lol: :lol: Maybe it's just because Alan is the nicest and kindest man on the planet.

Jane's reader is charged with NEVER, EVER repeating this to anyone like EVVA! Jane has her street cred to consider.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:45 am

So this week Jane is pondering the coming of autumn and wondering when she needs to don her winter bloomers :shock: . The weather is definitely 'back endish' in the mornings and Jane feels a chill around her nethers :shock: .

When Jane came home from being a captain of industry on Friday she decided to see if Alan wanted a little treat :shock: .

Jane asked him if he would like to have a little sneak peak at her boobs, for free like :D .

Alan said no :shock: . Jane said there was obviously something wrong with him because everybody else she had offered that service to that day had said yes :shock: :lol: :lol: . Luckily Alan thinks Jane is teasing him :shock: .

And Jane has managed to source a pig face mask which has been greeted with great amusement by all. Jane is just waiting until she forgets she is wearing it and has to chastise a patient at work whilst looking porcine :lol: :lol: . The worrying thing is that everyone still recognises Jane despite her looking like a pig :shock: . It doesn't say much for Jane's features without the mask to be honest :shock: :shock: .

And today Jane has seen little G again :D :D . He has become wriggly :shock: . Bad granny has now left the area and Jane didn't mention her to little G in the hope that he has forgotten her. But if he does ask about her Jane will mention the hairy wart. However Jane was pleased to hear that after she left he cried. Well obviously he is missing his Granny - stands to reason doesn't it?

Although what on earth 'stands to reason" means is anybody's guess. It's not even a sentence :shock: :shock: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:18 pm

Didnt offer me a sneaky peek at your boobys :(

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Sep 19, 2020 12:30 pm

paul...m wrote:
Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:18 pm
Didnt offer me a sneaky peek at your boobys :(
Jane apologises to Paul but it was a limited offer for one day only and Paul wasn't around :shock: .

So this week has brought nothing of interest for Jane. Alan (whose blog this is) has been a total grump all week but that is hardly news :roll: :roll: .

Jane is however interested to note that whilst all areas around Stockton and Middlesbrough are in semi-lockdown again, Stockton and Middlesbrough are not. Jane thinks this is because the Home Office has never heard of Stockton nor has any idea where it might be :shock: . They have possibly heard of Middlesbrough because it has a football team (although some would argue that calling it a football team is a gross exaggeration :lol: :lol: ) but they still don't know where it is. 'Oop north somewhere' is probably as close as they can get.

To prove Jane's point several years ago Middlesbrough (which is right next door to Stockton) applied for city status from the Home Office. The application was refused because (and Jane is quoting here): "There has already been one city status granted in Tyne and Wear in the last 5 years so it would be unfair to grant another." Middlesbrough is NOT in Tyne and Wear :roll: :roll: . Doesn't it do your heart good to know that our public servants are so well informed? :roll: :roll:

Jane wonders if Stockton should declare itself an independent state. Nobody would care. Jane would stand for Prime Minister of Stockton obviously.

Jane would make chocolate and tiramisu free to all and force men to buy flowers every week for their wives. Children who don't behave would be sent to work down a mine and not allowed home again until they a) learned to behave or b) became useful. Drivers who don't indicate would have their cars confiscated and given to the poor who could use them for accommodation rather than the slums they currently live in. Everybody would be allowed a free horse (Jane loves horses). The poor who didn't get a free car could kill the horse and hollow it out for accommodation.

This may fly in the face of Jane's love of horses but Jane knows that people are more important than horses.

Jane is now rethinking this policy because actually horses are more important than some people and actually the poor are bloody nuisance to society. They are always on the want. Maybe Jane needs to defenestrate the poor from the Independent State of Stockton and keep the horses?

Jane's reader needs to bear with her. Jane is new to the post and needs some time to get her policies right.

Actually Jane's reader needs to hope that Jane's forthcoming week is more interesting or else they will be subject to more of this navel gazing (although Jane always thought that navel gazing was watching sailors) :lol: :lol: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:54 pm

Jane flashing her navel this week can i put my name down as i missed the booby flash :D

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Sep 26, 2020 12:38 pm

paul...m wrote:
Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:54 pm
Jane flashing her navel this week can i put my name down as i missed the booby flash :D
All of that useful information that Jane posted and the only bit Paul finds interesting is about Jane's navel :roll: :roll: . There really is no hope :lol: :lol: .

Jane had another uninteresting week this week. Jane has realised that this is because of this virus everybody is wittering on about. Has anybody actually seen this virus really? The tele shows a spiky thing. Jane has never seen this spiky thing. And if you can't see it how do they know it's spiky? The whole country is wandering round wearing masks (although for many people this is a distinct improvement) and for what exactly?

Jane has never been a conspiracy theorist but is starting to wonder.....

Are we all being locked down so the government can build a wall between darn sarf and oop north? Will we all be allowed out only to find we can only access half the country?

Or are they building a wall around the country so nobody can get in or out? :shock:

Is the lockdown because the government are virtual and don't want anybody to find out? And what is it with the panic buying of toilet roll (AGAIN)? Do people know something Jane doesn't?

And who is that strange man with the shock of blonde hair (which looks like a wig to Jane) who tells everybody what to do? Is he really a person or an android for example? Have we been invaded by aliens and this is their way of keeping the populace from rising up and revolting?

In Jane's experience an enormous number of the populace are already revolting but that is because she lives in Stockton. :roll:

Nobody has seen the Queen for months. Is she locked up in a tower? Let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time that scenario has been played out :shock: .

If any of those aliens are reading this blog - be WARNED! Jane is onto you.

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sat Sep 26, 2020 3:39 pm

Better idea build a wall around the government work from home then return to work now work from home.Never mind norff sarff devide can Fenland be its own country we have a flag .
The only spiky thing I have seen is barbed wire but if that gets in your lungs will need more than a ventalator .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Thu Oct 01, 2020 12:03 pm

Jane can imagine the damage a bit of barbed wire can do to your lungs, although how you would breathe it in is anybody's guess :shock: :shock: .

Jane has set Alan (whose blog this is) a project today :D . Jane has bought a new garden gate as the current one was looking rather sorry for itself. Jane has learned that all she has to do is purchase some power tools for Alan and he gets excited and wants to do some DIY. Jane's number one Digger son offered to help given Alan's known lack of skill with DIY :lol: :lol: . Alan has become all macho (ooh :oops: :oops: ) and refused any assistance. However Jane suspects this is because he doesn't want to share his power-tools.

Jane is quite happy sitting in the kitchen writing Alan's blog for him (Jane likes to help :D ) and is sitting listening to lots of rude sweary words and grumbling and groaning from the garden as Alan fits the gate :lol: :lol: . Everything Alan is doing is more complicated than it needs to be when he's DIYing. The screwdrivers are rubbish (they aren't), the hinges are not the right size (they are), the gate doesn't fit (it does because Jane measured it), the power-tools are ***** (not a word that is appropriate for this forum :shock: ). Jane is confident that the gate will be fitted so long as she can bear the moaning and groaning that Alan needs to make to complete the task.

The extra benefit of this is that Alan will be so tired after doing the gate and expending so much energy on cursing, that he will sleep all afternoon and Jane can do what she wants :D :D . Every 5 minutes or so Alan needs to come into the kitchen to update Jane on progress :roll: :roll: . Jane smiles and says what a great job he's doing whilst not really listening at all :lol: :lol: .

Even Harry the Jack Russell Terror has been sworn at for defecating in the garden whilst Alan is busy :lol: :lol: . However Jane is confident he is thoroughly enjoying himself (Alan not the dog, although he does seem to take an inordinate pleasure in pooing, running round the garden in excitement, post evacuation) (Harry, not Alan :shock: :shock: ).

Jane's reader may think she is being mean to Alan (well that would be the usual habit), but Alan is in the sunshine doing something worthwhile for his mental health :D :D .

So far however, he has cut his finger on a hinge, bumped his hip on the wall and bumped his poorly knee on something else (Jane wasn't listening :oops: :oops: ). There is no DIY without drama chez Dalgleish :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: .

As predicted Jane was called in to help to move a piece of wood (Alan could have done this himself) to ensure she understands just how difficult this all is for Alan :roll: :roll: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Fri Oct 02, 2020 5:53 am

You are all sympathy Jane .Has jane ever fitted a gate whilst measuring did you allow a gap for hinges ,was the gap too big or too small . To aid Alan whose blog this is why not buy him another 72 inch tv so you can both watch what you want together and if both of you have headphones on connected to tv then both of you can snuggle up on sofa in wedded bliss whilst No 1 son does the work . Or better still Alan removes gate fills in holes and lets Jane have a go . If you go along this route please post it on utube for us all too enjoy .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:30 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Paul!!
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri Oct 02, 2020 11:30 am

paul...m wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 5:53 am
Or better still Alan removes gate fills in holes and lets Jane have a go . If you go along this route please post it on utube for us all too enjoy .
Jane will have Paul know she is perfectly capable of fitting a gate having been her dad's labourer on many DIY projects over the years :P :P . And Jane wouldn't have sworn as much as Alan (whose blog this is either :lol: :lol: ). But, as the old saying goes: why keep a dog and bark yourself? :lol: :lol: Besides Jane had her fingernails to think about :shock: :shock: .

Also Paul obviously hasn't taken into account the fact that if Alan took the gate off they wouldn't be able to get out of the garden :shock: :shock:.

The gate is now completed - the latch is in the wrong place but Jane expected nothing different. And the gate is the right way up which wasn't always guaranteed. Obviously (despite careful planning) Alan forgot to paint the posts prior to hanging the gate so Jane will have to do that and no doubt get paint all over the gate furniture which was why they painted the gate before hanging it in the first place :roll: :roll:.

And Jane is now officially Covided out :shock: :shock: . Having gone to the shop to get some crusty bread for tonight's stew, the powers that be have decided to reintroduce queueing outside the shop again :twisted: :twisted: . Last time it was at least sunny and Jane could top up her tan whilst in the queue. Jane thinks the government has some explaining to do :evil: :evil: .

Jane has been a very good girl during the last 6 months so she thinks that the people who haven't been good should be made to queue and the good girls allowed in.

Jane thinks she may have to invoke her NHS privileges and show her badge to get earlier entry. Although Jane well remembers a Facebook entry that advised NHS staff should show their vadge to get earlier entry. Let's hope THAT was a typo. Jane doesn't like queueing but there is a limit to how low she is prepared to stoop :lol: :lol: :lol: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Fri Oct 02, 2020 7:50 pm

Jane a good girl :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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