Alan's blog........

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun May 03, 2020 11:46 am

Today rudely the weather is not great :evil: . Jane was going to go out in Betty and watch all the people looking at her in admiration (or pity?). An orange mini is something to behold!

Sadly Jane has realised a slight mix up with her insurance which will need rectifying on Monday - due to Coronavirus the offices aren’t open on a Sunday :evil: . Jane has Insurance left over from Mathilda but as it is becomes 3rd party for Betty Jane is not going to take a risk (Jane is so law abiding :shock: ).

Mathilda has gone to the big scrapyard in the sky :( :( . She was a sweetie and never let Jane down :( :( (apart from costing Jane £300 at her last MOT in February which was the start of her demise :shock: ). If only her MOT had been a month later Jane could have swerved it :roll: . Jane would like her reader to observe a minute’s silence for Mathilda.

Mainly because Jane is too busy today to do it :roll: :lol: .

Jane, although generally a bit law abiding, did break the law when test driving Betty. She did 60 mph in a 30 mph area just to see what she could do :oops: :oops: . Jane’s son in law was in the car with her and he liked it :D :D .

In Jane’s defence there were no cars on the road and no dog walkers :lol: :lol: . Not that THAT would stand up on a court of law obvs!

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon May 04, 2020 12:19 pm

Today Jane has a day’s annual leave :D . Long weekends are helping Jane cope with the madness at work and the confusion in her head :shock: .

Jane had to go for a big food shop - Oh the joys of this! As Jane’s reader knows Alan (whose blog this is) normally does the food shopping but given his incapacity from rudely and inconveniently falling over and breaking his hip, Jane is now the only useful member of the household :shock: .

Jane could argue that this has been the case for some time, but won’t do that because it would be unkind to Alan :shock: .

When Jane arrived back from the shop with 9 million bags of food, she dutifully put all the shopping away without any sign of Alan. Jane was starting to get annoyed, because whilst he is not particularly able-bodied at the moment, the least he could do would be to come into the kitchen and pretend to do something :roll: .

Imagine Jane’s delight to hear his sick bed voice from the front room (Jane has warned him about this) just as Jane had completed the putting the shopping away chores “What time did you get back love?” Alan warbled pathetically.

“Just long enough to put the shopping away” advised Jane with some annoyance. Alan had been pretending to be asleep whilst Jane did all the work :evil: .

However, Jane released tension by hurtling Betty (the orange and black mini) up the motorway at some speed :D :D .

Jane has worked out how to fill the petrol but there are still a lot of buttons and lights that Jane is confused about. Jane thinks she may not have to worry about how to switch the lights on because Betty probably glows in the dark anyway so lights may not be required :lol: :lol: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat May 09, 2020 12:15 pm

This week it was Jane’s birthday :( . Jane doesn’t particularly relish birthdays as they are an indication of ageing :lol:.

Jane also realised that she has fewer years left than she has completed :shock: . It was a special birthday because Jane is now a sexagenarian, which sounds much more interesting than it actually is (unless the interesting suggestion from the classification takes a little while to happen) :lol: :lol: .

Jane was advised by several people (who may well have been lying :shock: ) that she doesn’t look her age. That is all very well but regardless of how Jane looks, she will still die at the same time :lol: . Being a young-looking corpse is not something Jane cares about :shock: .

Jane’s VERY intelligent daughter has organised and fund raised via the family, a trip to Manchester to see Elton John live as Jane’s present :D . This is fantastic although the thought of paying to see Elton John dead was not offered, nor would have been something Jane wanted to do. :shock: The trip is in October but Jane is now starting to doubt that it will happen and the longer the wait, the more likely it is that Elton John will no longer BE live anymore :shock: :shock: .

Jane has to say that Alan (whose blog this is) did absolutely nothing to acknowledge Jane’s birthday other than sending Jane a text message saying “Happy Birthday” :shock: . The fact that he cannot get to any shops is simply not an excuse. If he had set out on his Zimmer the week before Jane’s birthday he could have bought her something :evil: .

Jane also has to report that her wild birthday evening on the day of her birthday ended up with Alan going to bed early because he wasn’t well and Jane falling asleep on the settee at 9.30 :shock: .

Rock ‘n roll :lol: :lol: .

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Sat May 09, 2020 12:20 pm

Happy Birthday x
Paul

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sun May 10, 2020 9:21 am

Belated Happy Birthday Jane. Next year's birthday will be better for sure.

My birthday was on Lockdown day. Who knows I might be one of the first to celebrate 2 birthdays straight in isolation.
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun May 10, 2020 11:27 am

Jane certainly hopes not Marilyn :shock: .

Jane thinks Marilyn will be very useful in quizzes in the future because she will always be able to remember the date of the lockdown :lol: . Jane hasn’t got a clue what date it was because so much has happened since it could have been 1986 for all Jane knows :roll: :roll: .

And after a lovely day sitting in the garden yesterday Jane has donned her winter bloomers today :shock: . What is going on? is it Brexit or Coronavirus that is causing all this confusing weather? Jane has to blame something!

And Jane has put a bobble in Alan(whose blog this is)’s hair :lol: :lol: :lol: . Alan has a ponytail :lol: :lol: . Alan needed his hair cut before lockdown but wasn’t well enough to attend so now it is practically plaitable! It was driving Jane mad so she used a hair bobble left by VERY intelligent daughter to give Alan a ponytail. Alan wasn’t too happy about this at first until Jane said he looked like a ‘proper biker’. Alan seemed to think this was a compliment (it wasn’t) and has retained the look :lol: :lol:.

Meanwhile Jane’s hair is just :roll: :shock: :shock: . Jane actually bumped into her hairdresser yesterday and nearly begged her to cut it there and then in the street.

Everyone at Jane’s work is starting to look a little Neanderthal-esque :shock:. One male GP who has a proper shock of hair admitted he is just cutting bits off as they annoy him :shock: . It was okay at first but as time has gone on it is looking increasingly insane :lol: :lol: .

Maybe the 70s long hair look will become the new fashion through necessity rather than choice? Or could they invent drive through barbers? Jane is starting to look longingly at her pudding basin and wondering if that would work as a style :shock:.

Meanwhile Jane’s day is made brighter every time she has to drive Betty :D :D . Betty has lots of really great features that Mathilda has lost along the way ie a speedometer and a rear windscreen wiper and opening windows. Betty is a revelation :D.

Betty also has keyless start which is grand except Jane has lost hours of her life trying to find the keys when she wants to turn the engine off :shock: . A 40 year habit may take a bit of time to adjust to :D .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat May 16, 2020 12:37 pm

Jane is officially off work for nearly 10 days :D . Jane has taken a week’s annual leave and then there is the bank holiday Monday. Jane is just blissful :D :D .

Jane loves her job but is ready for a break. Jane knows when this happens because instead of finding the foibles and idiosyncrasies of the people at work amusing and rather cute Jane feels the need to stab them all :shock: :shock: . Jane would prefer to retain her job and even if she didn’t she wouldn’t wish to replace it with a spell at Her Majesty’s pleasure so it is best all round ifJane takes time away.

Today Jane and Alan (whose blog this is) have visited a garden centre :shock: :shock: . The wildness of this! It is the first time Alan has been across the step since he rudely broke his neck, (sorry, wishful thinking :shock: :oops:) his hip. :lol: :lol:

What a brave new world Alan encountered! Queues into the garden centre, queues out of the garden centre. Social distancing in the garden centre. Queues into the shop on the way home. A very dark look from Jane as she got back in the car and Alan remembered the dog had no food and looked hopefully at Jane to see if she would volunteer to stand in the queue AGAIN to get the dog some food (no she wouldn’t as it happened). Harry the Jack Russell Terror can eat dried food for today or starve. Either option works for Jane.

In fact Harry may have to eat dried food or starve tomorrow as well ifJane has no other reason to visit the shop. If he gets hungry enough he may have to go outside and forage like a REAL dog, instead of a proper spoiled little git who lays around emitting dubious smells from his bottom and waiting for someone to feed him. The effort will do him good :shock: .

Dogs need to know where their food comes from :lol: :lol: . Actually this means that Harry will actually have to stand in the queue at the shop rather than forage :lol: . Well so long as it’s not Jane queuing she doesn’t care :lol: .

AND he can use his own pocket money instead of wasting it on tat like he normally does :roll: .

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Sat May 16, 2020 5:28 pm

Why not stand in the queue and start coughing ,same again at the tils .Do they do food banks for dogs ? .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun May 17, 2020 11:09 am

Jane doesn’t think they do food banks for dogs but thinks perhaps they should.

Jane needs Alan (whose blog this is) to start planting the new plants the Dalgleishes bought at the garden centre. This then gives Jane the opportunity to order Alan about and tell him what she wants him to put where (in terms of plants obviously :shock:) . Alan ignores Jane’s helpful suggestions and they therefore have a happy time disagreeing with each other all afternoon in the sunshine :D :D . Sadly whilst there is a plethora of plants, there is no sunshine :shock: .

In fact the weather is not brilliant which is very rude given that Jane is on holiday :shock: :shock: . If Jane doesn’t go back to work with a tan everybody will think she hasn’t been away anywhere and that would never do :shock: :shock: .

Jane feels the need to DO something today but can’t find the wherewithal to do whatever it is she feels she should be doing. There are lots of things to do like finish decorating the downstairs toilet, start decorating the porch, doing some washing, doing some hoovering. Jane doesn’t fancy any of these pursuits and may just sit and contemplate her greatness.

Sadly Jane thinks this will only fill about 3 minutes :oops: :P .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Tue May 19, 2020 11:16 am

Yesterday Alan (whose blog this is) asked Jane to transfer some money to her VERY intelligent daughter on Alan’s behalf and Alan would give Jane his card to go to the cash point and give Jane the cash equivalent. This convoluted process is because Alan has lost the ability to get on his on-line bank account through gross stupidity (or forgetting his password and username which amounts to the same thing in Jane’s opinion :lol: :lol: ).

Jane refused :shock: . Jane advised Alan that he should contact his bank and get the on-line account set back up. Alan was miffed by this suggestion as it meant Alan actually having to DO something. Jane advised that the alternative was everybody else DOING something, mainly as it transpired, Jane.

So Alan set about doing as advised. This process involved about 43 phone calls to the bank and Alan getting increasingly cross :lol: :lol: . Jane could hear Alan insisting that he was using the correct password (Jane knows that this is not true and pitied the poor member of staff on the other end of the phone :roll: :lol: :lol: .) Whilst Alan was renewing his on-line banking facility, Jane had cleaned the kitchen thoroughly, cleaned the downstairs toilet thoroughly and put a new door handle on the front room door :shock: :shock: .

Jane has never met anybody who is so completely averse to information technology as Alan :shock: . He would still, given the opportunity, use cash rather than his card, and would rather pop round to somebody’s house rather than text them :shock: :shock: . Jane is completely the opposite and would rather buy everything on-line and would happily never see a pound coin again :lol: :lol: . So Alan is struggling at the moment, given that shops are discouraging cash and you can’t pop round to anybody’s house for fear of facing a firing squad at dawn :shock: .

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Thu May 21, 2020 12:07 am

I use online banking through my phone. That’s unlocked by facial recognition, so no remembering passwords involved. I do know my password if ever I use my iPad.

It does mean I’ll have to specify a closed coffin the minute I pop my clogs, because of the rapacious hordes - wife and offspring- who will be lined up to empty the accounts.

With regard to using cash, I got £150 out four months ago, and still have £60 left. That’s because I can’t stand pocketfuls of loose change.

paul 28
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul 28 » Thu May 21, 2020 5:59 am

Send Change to me and if your really want will accept notes too

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Thu May 21, 2020 1:23 pm

Paul is always helpful in Jane’s opinion :roll: .

Jane is worried about the facial recognition to access Mike’s bank account. What if you have a twin? What if you pass out in the street and some immoral character uses your face to access your account? What if you shave your beard off (this is a particular concern to Jane :shock: )? What if (as is the norm these days) you have Botox/lip fillers/false eyelashes etc etc? This is not a problem for Jane specifically because being old school she is prepared to use some cosmetic tricks to make her even more beautiful than nature had already started :shock: , but is not prepared to do anything that maybe painful.

Jane’s mantra, as she feels sure her reader knows, is that the way Jane looks is not a problem for Jane, she is behind it. It is the poor beggars who have to look at Jane who have the problem. However, if they want to pay for Jane to have a face lift, then so be it :shock: . A cheaper alternative would be dark glasses (for the people who have to look at Jane, not Jane, obvs! :D :lol:)

Today Jane and Alan (whose blog this is) have finished doing the gardens. Jane uses the word in the plural, not to indicate an estate, but to show off to her reader that the Dalgleishes have both a front and back garden :shock: . The fact that you could not swing a cat in the back one is neither here nor there. Jane hasn’t got a cat and if she had, she wouldn’t particularly want to swing it. This has been a monumental project given that Alan has been incapacitated for some weeks (or idle, take your pick :shock: :shock: ). After two days of hard graft, Jane was sated and drove all the way to the tip to deposit 5 bags of grass cuttings, old compost, hedge cuttings, and a plethora of dead plants from last year.

Imagine Jane’s delight to discover the tip will only take rubbish if you have booked previously (new COVID rules) and you can’t book a slot for 4 weeks :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane wonders if fly tipping garden waste is still legally fly tipping?

paul...m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul...m » Fri May 22, 2020 8:25 am

Worrying time for you Mike what happens if they bring back beheadings . Chop your head off then use it to open up bank accounts .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri May 22, 2020 1:21 pm

paul...m wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 8:25 am
Worrying time for you Mike what happens if they bring back beheadings . Chop your head off then use it to open up bank accounts .
:lol: :lol: Jane seriously worries about Paul whose mind has exceeded the concept of lateral thinking to something close to insanity :lol: :lol: .

Jane has now officially got not only the cutest car in the street but the smartest gardens :D :D (obviously the ‘official’ status has been awarded by Jane so may have some opposition should Jane try to make this officially official). Sadly given Jane’s hairstyle and the fact that she’s inadvertently broken her glasses in half and has resorted (hopefully temporarily) to masking tape across the bridge in order to use them, Jane looks like some kind of maniac :shock: :shock: . Jane feels as if she should sneak into her own home under the cover of darkness so the maniac is not associated with the car nor the gardens :shock: .

Given that Jane’s glasses not only look dodgy with the masking tape, they are also not aligned so therefore sit on Jane’s face at some kind of crazy angle thereby adding to the special look. Indeed Jane actually looks insane :shock: :lol: .

However, Jane has some pleasures still left in her life :D . Jane has learned to park Betty (the orange mini) in a spot whereby if Jane is queueing to go shopping she can simply stand and admire her :oops: :oops: . No other shoppers are aware of this slightly odd behaviour (although Jane does look around to see if any of THEM are admiring Betty :oops: :oops: .)

And today, VERY rudely, after Jane and Alan(whose blog this is)’s stupendous efforts to make the gardens fandabidozy, the weather isn’t good enough to sit in either of them :evil: . Just occasionally Jane wonders why she bothers :lol: :roll: .

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