Alan's blog........

[Janey Dal]

This week it's Jane's VERY intelligent daughter and son in law's turn to go abroad. They have gone to Norway.

Jane has no idea why anybody would want to go anywhere that wasn't hot for a holiday . What's wrong with Spain? Well plenty apparently if you watch Benidorm on the TV! In fact Jane has never been to Spain, which given her globe-trotting period in her younger years is somewhat odd.

Is there not a song about this? The Jane is Spain stays mainly on the plane? May be that's why Jane has never been to Spain? She would have to stay on the plane because them's the rules .

However Jane has no particular interest in flying anymore given the fact that the last time she flew there was a loud bang and a shudder so severe that it shot Jane's kindle out of her hand and onto the floor, to be followed by the pilot advising the passengers that they had nothing to worry about, it was just another plane close by that the air traffic controllers had negated to mention to him . Jane is not a pussy, but to be honest this sort of made her think twice about repeating the experience. Jane is getting closer to her demise by the day and has no great desire to hurry the process along .

Also given Sir David Attenborough's climate advice that we are all doomed Jane may well holiday in Cleethorpes from now on. According to Sir Dave it's going to be positively tropical there . Cleethorpes can be reached without Jane leaving terra firma which works well for her.

Jane can also claim to be carbon neutral and not creating a carbon footprint by refusing to fly . Jane is confused with all the new phrases. Jane thought a carbon footprint was something that happened after the barbecue fell over whilst you were cleaning it and you stepped in the ash.

[paul 28]

How can flying leave a foot print surely you need a foot on the ground to leave a foot print . Just got back from a weekend in Sandringham ,not sure if there was a shooting party out or HRH prince Phillip taking pot shots at the not so HRH Harry ( Not Janes dog ) . Then Sunday morning someones taxi for the big house arrived oh how some live around our way a taxi is some grotty Mondeo no theirs was a helicopter .So much for saving the planet .

[paul..m]

Don't know what Alan and Jane have been up to but hear the earth moved in Stockton on Tees

[maz]

The Pauls are here to cause mischief I never know who is who, but you are both as bad as each other

[Janey Dal]

Paul's are always a problem in Jane's experience .

And Paul is absolutely correct about the earth moving in Stockton. Sadly the earth didn't move for Jane given that the earthquake was at 6am and Jane was indulging in some much-required beauty sleep. Alan (whose blog this is) apparently felt it but then given his penchant for small explosions from his bottom, who knows if it was the quake or Alan's bottom that rumbled, really?

Did Jane's reader spot that Jane is now referring to the earthquake as a 'quake'? Given that Jane is now a veteran quake survivor, this gives her the right to use the appropriate slang to denote her veteran status . Jane has survived two quakes now.

The first one was about 10 years ago and it woke Jane up. Jane however thought it was the dog leaning against the bed and scratching her ear and told her off . It turned out to be a quake. The dog was confused, not only because she got told off for something she wasn't doing, but she couldn't understand why her bed was shaking so much and there was no associated funny smell from Alan's bottom .

There was a local FB feed going around on Friday reporting: The residents of Stockton were at the epicentre of an earthquake at 6 am this morning. It registered at 2.1 on the Richter scale. Residents were seen wandering around mumbling 'fookinell'. Damages to buildings are reported to be in the region of £30.

There was another with a picture of a white plastic garden table and chairs with one chair fallen over and the caption 'we will rebuild'.

Jane likes that we can laugh at ourselves .

So after all that drama it was a bit of a non-event . Nobody got the day off work and Jane couldn't use her carefully prepared Business Continuity Plan.

This is probably just as well because it's rubbish .

[MikeyB]

£30??? That must be a whole street in Stockton, surely?

[paul 28]

£30??? That must be a whole street in Stockton, surely?

Not sure who is highest on Janes list to stand infront of wall when Jane organises a revolution you or me

[Janey Dal]

£30??? That must be a whole street in Stockton, surely?

Not sure who is highest on Janes list to stand infront of wall when Jane organises a revolution you or me

Paul needn't worry Jane can surely manage to shoot two people (given Jane's very poor aiming ability quite possibly with the same bullet via a 22 point ricochet .)

So after the mad excitement of the quake and the monumental rebuilding project, Stockton in back to normal (Jane has no idea how Stockton would ever be classed as normal, but anyway....).

This week Jane is officially a granny-to-be with a picture to prove it . Jane is amazed by the wonders of modern technology where she now has a photo of Baby Dalgleish before it is even born . When Jane was at her reproductive peak you only knew you were having a baby when it popped into the world. Up until that point you could have been in the process of producing a Golden Retriever for all anybody knew .

Jane well remembers being asked during the early stages of her pregnancy what her shoe size was . Jane has always assumed that this was a pretty antediluvian method of ascertaining Jane's bone structure to decide on how the baby was going to enter the world. Jane has been pondering on this recently and now wonders if it was nothing of the sort. Jane is shoe size 8 so maybe the doctor saw Jane 's feet and was just fascinated as to what her shoe size was .

Doctor: "You and the baby appear to be fine. By the way what IS your shoe size?"

And Jane has been invited by Number One Digger son plus SO to a private scan to advise on the gender of the baby . Jane is SOOO excited.

Jane can only share this bit with her reader however: in the photo of baby Dalgleish at 13 weeks in utero it looks a little odd . It's got a proper big head, a big fat belly, no arms and half a leg . Jane didn't like to point out to the proud parents that it looks weird.

[paul...m]

What has Jane been up to that could lead to the possibility of giving birth to a Golden Retriever . Did the Dr have a Golden Retriever that has brought home a shoe size 8 as a trophy ,maybe its best not answered but we will always wonder about Janes colourful past

[Janey Dal]

Jane is not prepared to share certain aspects of her colourful past for fear of reprisals from golden retriever owners and doctors with a foot fetish .

Today Jane is feeding Baby Dalgleish . Well to be strictly honest, Alan (whose blog this is) is feeding Baby Dalgleish. Alan is doing Sunday dinner for number one Dadtobe son and SO. Jane's favourite slow cooker (AKA fab daughter in law) can eat for England at the moment so Jane is a little concerned as to whether there will be sufficient food, although given Alan's penchant for catering for a small continent, Jane should really not worry . The test today will be whether Alan's plethora of food will be a match for D-I-L's astonishing ability to hoover it .

Mad Ma is not coming today because she is going to a pudding party at church . Jane cannot wait until she reaches the dizzy heights of octogenarianism so she can go to exciting events like a pudding party .

Jane daren't tell D-I-L that there is a pudding party. She may well attend chez Dalgleish and then whisk herself off to hoover all the puddings meant for the god-botherers .

[paul...m]

Thought she was in the pudding club

[maz]

Pudding parties are the best parties. Maybe chocolate parties might be slightly in front though Marilyn has been to both

[paul...m]

Better than Tupperware ? .
Been to a Garden party at the big house in London it must have taken the Queen hours to just make the sarnies all identically cut into soldiers and crusts cut off even a crown on top of the cup cakes , downside no goody bag at the end .

[MikeyB]

Best party I went to was a Tequila Sunrise party, years before I acquired Type1 diabetes. Delicious drink, and no hangover because of the vast amount of sugar in the drink. Couldn’t walk in a straight line, mind

[maz]

Oh, Tupperware parties. What fun

We have only ever stood outside the gates of Buck House. We did have friends who were invited to a garden party there. I still can't understand why they were invited. Supposedly just because of his job as a Magistrates Clerk. Yes, an important job, he has a legal degree and despite his title it was a big job, but certainly not a reason to be invited. Should be charity workers, volunteers and the like. But heyho, his wife got a new dress

However I did get a lot of invitations to Tupperware parties