Alan's blog........

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:42 am

So this week Jane is feeling a little guilty :oops: :oops: .

Jane received a text message yesterday from Alan (whose blog this is) which stated “Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, it’s tragic, not magic, I’m sixty bloody three”.

Jane read this message and wondered what planet Alan was on. It wasn’t his birthday! And then Jane checked the date and realised that actually it WAS his birthday and Jane had forgotten all about it :oops: :oops: :oops: .

Jane had forgotten to such an extent that had Alan not texted her she would have gone home, eaten her tea and gone to bed without acknowledging the occasion :oops: :shock: . Jane knows that Alan’s birthday is the 12th of July. Jane just hadn’t realised that yesterday was the 12th July :roll: :roll: .

And Jane worries about mad Ma’s memory :roll: :roll: . Although Jane has invented a great excuse! She is date-dyslexic :D .

Luckily the Dogleashes don’t do anything major for birthdays having had such a plethora between them, so Jane called into the local supermarket on the way home and bought Alan a Tshirt and some undercrackers. She then had to buy wrapping paper and sellotape and wrapped his present in the car.

Phew! Result!

Jane realised on pulling into the driveway that she had forgotten a card :oops: :oops: :oops: .

Jane was even further shamed by Alan proudly producing 4 birthday cards from Jane's family members who had all apparently remembered Alan’s birthday :oops: .

Jane thinks they only did that to make Jane feel even worse and will have to have strong words with them to tell them not to remember Alan’s birthday when Jane hasn’t- that is just showing off :evil: .

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:48 am

And Jane is worrying about mad ma's memory .
Paul

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stuart13
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by stuart13 » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:54 pm

I'm more than a little bit concerned about Jane, as forgetting birthday days and anniversaries is a male 'thing'.

:wink:

paul..m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Sun Jul 14, 2019 9:53 am

Maybe Jane is going through the change female to male or is Jane really Alan .
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Jul 14, 2019 11:29 am

Jane has often been mistaken for a man and this has been documented in Alan (whose blog this is)’s blog at earlier times.

Jane and Alan have perfected role reversal whereby Alan is the stay at home spouse (Jane keeps him barefoot and pregnant :shock: ) and Jane is the captain of industry bringing home the proverbial bacon. Alan can do flower arranging, Jane can’t. Alan can do cooking, Jane can but believes in the saying ‘why keep a dog and bark yourself’ :lol: . Alan cannot do DIY,Jane can. Alan does the shopping,Jane can’t be bothered.

So Jane is not surprised that as per Stuart’s comment Jane has subsumed the male penchant for forgetting important dates :lol: .

Jane has not as yet however adopted the traditional stand up when going to the toilet routine :shock: and Jane can find things when she looks for them and is also capable of asking for directions, so all is not lost. Jane also has a couple of bumps on her front and has no desire to scratch her crotch whilst watching TV so assumes she is still relatively female :lol: :lol: .

And Jane did some washing this morning and put the whites in separately so Jane is convinced she is not male, or at least not entirely. :shock:

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:00 am

So this week Jane got a message from mad Ma via text: “It’s Arthur’s funeral on Monday. Do you want to go?” (Jane has added appropriate punctuation here because mad Ma hasn’t found punctuation on her phone as yet, although on second thoughts mad Ma is not great at punctuation with written messages either :roll: :lol: ).

Well this was a bit of a surprise to Jane :shock: . Arthur is (or was, God love him) a much-loved family friend who was 93. However there was a gap in communication somewhere as Jane had not realised Arthur had died :shock: :shock: .

Luckily Jane, being relatively intelligent, put two and two together and realised that if it is Arthur’s funeral on Monday he must have met his demise prior to this :shock: . There are no flies on Jane! (Which is rather nice because Jane wouldn’t like to have any flies on her mainly because it would suggest that Jane doesn’t wash :shock:).

Jane rang mad Ma who was amazed that she hadn’t told Jane about Arthur. “I told everybody!” Said mad Ma.

So Jane rang number one Digger son and he didn’t know about Arthur either :shock: . Jane is now wondering who the ‘everybody’ is that mad Ma told :roll: . Jane suspects it may have been some unsuspecting individual in a queue somewhere who had never heard of Arthur :lol: :lol: .

So Jane is off to Arthur’s funeral on Monday with mad Ma. Jane suspects she will be the youngest person there but that, at Jane’s age, is not to be sneezed at. All the old lads will think Jane is a babe :lol: :lol: .

paul 28
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul 28 » Sat Jul 20, 2019 7:00 pm

But look on bright side if your the youngest you should be last in que at undertakers .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Jul 27, 2019 2:07 pm

:lol: :lol:

Jane is disabled :shock: :shock: .

Having the next 2 weeks off work Jane has planned to have her nails done whilst she is off. Last night Jane cut off her humongous talons in preparation for their regular beautification. This is usually done by the nail technician but Jane took it upon herself in a gesture of magnanimity. Now Jane is struggling to type or text :shock: .

Jane is not used to using the end of her fingers for anything. And Jane is really struggling to pick her nose :lol: . Although Jane’s lovely dad always used to say if she was going to pick her nose she should have picked a better one than the one she has :lol: :lol: .

Jane’s fingertip to eye coordination is officially knackered :shock: . Jane points at letters and icons on her touchscreen and produces something completely different to her intended target :shock: .

Meanwhile Jane wants her reader to acknowledge just how lucky Alan (whose blog this is) is going to be for the next two weeks. He has two full weeks of Jane’s constant company :D . Jane thinks some people would pay for this privilege. Indeed Jane’s GPs pay for the privilege of Jane’s company. As well they should.

And Alan is getting this for free :D . Jane thinks that at the end of her two weeks annual leave Alan will be glad to see her go back to work because he will be overwhelmed with the sheer joy of Jane’s presence and will need time to lie down and recover his equilibrium :D .

How on earth Alan managed to lose his equilibrium in the first place is a mystery to Jane. Jane bets if he looks down the back of the settee he will find it.

On a separate note Jane has had a thought. This was a momentous event in itself. However.....

Jane has noticed that the forum has lost the last 12 months’ of posts in the cyber attack. Jane has been writing about her experience as a practice manager for longer than that but those posts are ‘apparently’ lost. Mmmmmmmm.........

Jane has never been a conspiracy theorist but is starting to wonder :lol: :lol: :lol:.

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Jul 28, 2019 12:11 pm

Jane is delighted that having suffered through the hottest day in July like EVVA last week whilst at work, now she is on annual leave the Gods have decided that enough is enough and we should all be glad of cooler weather :shock: :shock: .

Did the Gods ask Jane? Whilst Jane did not want that level of heat to continue any longer, she equally would have preferred a little compromise :roll: :roll: . Perhaps a balmy 22 degrees would suffice?

To be fair Jane has a list of ‘things to do’ as long as her arm (and Jane’s arms are VERY long :shock: ). Sadly most of the jobs require finance to be thrown at them and most of them are not very exciting :roll: :roll: .

Jane doesn’t mind spending money on essentials like shoes and clothes and Jane’s general (if unnecessary) beautification. But spending money on non-essentials like car tyres and plumbers to mend the leaky kitchen tap is not what Jane works for :roll: .

How utterly BORING spending money on these things! At the end of the process Jane will still have a car with tyres and a kitchen tap, much like she did prior to depleting her bank account :roll: .

And today Jane bought Alan (whose blog this is) a stainless steel colander :D :D . The colander that the Dogleashes (well to be strictly honest, Alan :oops: ) have been using is a little tatty. It was actually a purchase Jane made when she got married for the first time 37 years ago :shock: :shock: :shock: and, being plastic is really rather past its best :shock: .

And Jane’s reader will empathise with Jane’s discombobulation when she returned from the shop with the colander which she presented to Alan as a gift and Alan was not in the slightest grateful :shock: .

There is no pleasing that man :roll: :roll: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Jul 29, 2019 1:27 pm

Jane doesn’t think she can continue at the fast pace that her first day of annual leave has required :shock: .

So far Jane has ....... wait for it.....

Renewed her car insurance
Booked her hair appointment
Booked her nail appointment
Rung a shop and organised a refund
Booked a GP appointment for mad Ma
And bought a new tyre for Mathilda.

Jane is exhausted :shock: .

Jane went with Alan (whose blog this is) to get the new tyre and that was exhausting in itself :shock: . Jane has to constantly watch Alan when he is out to ensure he doesn’t get into conversations with people and say something Jane doesn’t agree with.

Jane and Alan were waiting for Mathilda’s new tyre to be fixed and Alan got into conversation with a man :shock: .

Jane did advise the man that she would have oversee the conversation in case Alan said something wrong. The mechanics thought this was amusing for some reason :shock: . Let Jane make this clear - it is NOT amusing to let Alan have a free conversation with anyone.

Alan may say something like “Please help me! Take me to the nearest police station - my wife is insane” or “Can you take me to a place of safety?” Or “I am a domestic slave and can take no more! My wife abuses me for her own pleasure :shock: or “She makes me watch Judge Judy ad nauseum”.

Of course none of these things would be true (apart from Judge Judy :oops: ) but could get Jane into a lot of trouble. And Jane absolutely does not want to spend her annual leave down the police station saying things like “I KNOW he says I torture him, but he enjoys it” “My husband positively BEGS me to make him do the housework and all the cooking”, “I only torture him on Wednesdays and then only for half an hour” or “But officer! Look at me! Wouldn’t you suffer torture if it meant you could be married to me?” :shock: Jane is unsure how the police would regard the last plea :roll: .

The accusation regarding Judge Judy is the one that really frightens Jane as she believes the local constabulary would wholeheartedly agree with Alan :shock: .

Alan is currently holed up in the front room having (so he thinks) bagged the TV first. Of course Jane’s reader knows that this won’t last :evil: .

paul 28
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul 28 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:07 pm

Your lucky up norooorf down here we were near the epicentre of the heat (Cambridge 38.7 c ). Let Cambridge fry what ever good has come out of that place .I think Jane should have 10 years hard labour for torturing poor defenceless Alan. If however Queen Nicola ever needs a domestic slave please put a good word in for me .

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maz
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Tue Jul 30, 2019 9:30 am

Marilyn has to educate Paul in that Jane is not as far ooup norooorf as he seems to think :roll: :lol: Plus, though Jane is a Very Important Person at her place of work, rightly so, (and also in her home :wink: ) she no way has direct access to your (shudder)Queen Nicola(shudder)
Marilyn

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Tue Jul 30, 2019 9:38 am

Jane suspects Paul may have a more nefarious purpose for Nicola than cleaning her house :shock: .

It’s all kicking off for Jane this week. Jane has just caught a bus :shock: :shock: :shock: .

Jane had arranged to take her car Mathilda in for some essential (and of course as the norm) probably expensive work. The garage Jane uses is on the same street as the practice in which she works. This normally makes the experience extremely efficient - ie Jane parks car in car park next to surgery, Jane takes keys to mechanic, mechanic does the work, Jane comes out of work at 5 pm and drives home (obviously having handed over a humongous amount of readies :roll: ).

Well obviously this essential work could only be fitted in when Jane is on annual leave :roll: . So Jane dropped Mathilda off and headed for town which is a 2 minute walk. The bus was due any minute so Jane waited.

Jane had no idea how you even pay on buses anymore :oops: :oops: . It must be 15 years since Jane last caught a bus and technology has moved on in this time.

On stepping onto the bus and announcing her required destination the bus driver shook her head at Jane (female bus drivers :shock: :shock: who has ever heard of such a thing). On second thoughts the bus driver realised Jane was right (as if there was ever going to be any doubt) and accepted Jane’s £2 payment :shock: . £2 for a bus ride :shock: :shock: . The world has gone MAD!

As Jane’s intended stop approached, Jane got up from her seat and stood right next to the door and indeed the bus driver. The bus driver nearly missed the stop :shock: .

“You didn’t press the bell!” She advised Jane is grim tones :shock: .

Jane had no idea there was a bus etiquette that requires you to press the bell to inform the driver that you want to get off even if you are standing by the door indicating by your very body language that that is your intention :shock: .

Jane doesn’t think she was a very good bus driver to be honest - she didn’t know where she was going and when she got there she didn’t want to stop.

And the inside of the bus was plastered in health and safety signs “Don’t let children sit in the seats at the front!”, “Please hold onto a barrier the bus may have to stop suddenly!” (Jane's bus driver evidently hadn’t read this one :lol: ), “Don’t store luggage higher than this sign!”. Jane was expecting one that read “Don’t get on this bus it may not stop for you!” Or “Please be patient with your bus driver, she has no idea what route she is on”.

Jane remembers getting on buses, going up to the top deck, skiving a light off another bus passenger for her fag, sitting at the front, paying the conductress for her ticket (yes in the good old days they didn’t let women drive buses they were only good enough to take your money) and then getting off at the right stop. There was none of this ‘Don’t do this” and “Don’t do that” and being accused of not behaving properly if you negated to press the bell :shock: .

No wonder everyone drives cars these days - catching buses is so stressful :shock: .

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Tue Jul 30, 2019 2:41 pm

Well Jane was grinding her lions to find out what the cost of the essential work on Mathilda was going to be.

£200? £300? :shock:

Jane has even put off buying a new vacuum cleaner just in case.

It was £30 :shock: . Jane was so surprised and delighted she even thought of taking Mathilda back in to get the work done again it was such a bargain :lol: :lol: .

So now Jane can buy a new vacuum cleaner :roll: :roll: . Oh the sheer excitement -NOT :evil: . Jane doesn’t use vacuum cleaners obviously having Alan (whose blog this is) to do such mundane tasks, but Jane does like a newly vacuumed carpet :D .

Jane was looking last week at the horrendous prices of vacuum cleaners and wanted to weep. Having spoken to one of her fab members of staff who apparently “just loves vacuum cleaners” (apart from this she is quite normal) she had one from Screwfix (which is not a dating site) recommended. And even better it’s only £50 which is much better than some of the other prices Jane has seen advertised.

It is apparently very powerful and does wet and dry and suck and blow. Jane is not sure what you could possibly blow with a vacuum cleaner but is prepared to find out (Jane did suggest to Alan that she shoved it up his nose to see if it would inflate his head -he wasn’t keen). And Jane is also not sure what you would use the wet suck for? Jane thinks she may move swiftly on with this musing..... :shock:

Jane suspects that one of the reasons that it is so economical (which sounds better than cheap) is that it is not particularly aesthetically pleasing being a vacuum cleaner for hairy-bottomed tradesmen.

Jane really and truly doesn’t care if her vacuum cleaner looks like a dog’s bottom so long as it works and is cheap. On second thoughts a vacuum cleaner that looks like a dog’s bottom would be quite amusing - you could hold it’s tail and suck up the bits through its ........ :shock:

Anyway Jane will report on the Screwfix vacuum cleaner once she has possession. Obviously she will have to rely on Alan’s word for it which may or may not be reliable butt Jane can’t do EVERYTHING! :lol:

paul 28
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul 28 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:24 pm

With regards to Janes previous posts I would happily do as instructed any anything Queen Nicola demanded and even look forward to a verbal lashing as her voice is like warm honey .
Would Alans other readers please note Jane has said women drivers are not fit to drive buses therefore inferior drivers compared to men .I would like to point out we have a female bus driver in our town and a very good driver she is .It is the taxi drivers which are hopeless and should be shot " Come the day of the revolution "

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