Alan's blog........

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:07 am

Well the best laid plans of mice and Jane - as the well-known saying goes - mad Ma turned up an hour early this time :roll: :roll: .

Alan (whose bog this is) decided to take Harry the Jack Russell Terror for his constitutional -what happened to his bad leg then? Jane suspects that the pain Alan suffers from his leg is bearable compared to the pain of sitting for an hour with his mad Ma-in-law :lol: :lol: :lol:, although apparently his leg was still too bad for him to go shopping even after his return :twisted: :twisted: .

And then just as Jane sat down to indulge herself in JJ, Number one Digger son plus arrived for a visit :shock: :shock: .

Well obviously Jane is delighted to see them but she did worry that JJ feels neglected. Indeed Jane is getting withdrawal symptoms from missing JJ and has started twitching.

When Jane does get chance to watch JJ she can envisage a Heathcliffe/Cathy type reunion.

“Judy!”

“Jane!”

“Judy!”

“Jane!”

Jane hopes this doesn’t go on too long because she is getting bored with it already and JJ needs to concentrate her skills on being rude to recalcitrant Americans :lol: :lol: .

Meanwhile Jane is grinding her lions to return to work on Monday :roll: :roll: .

Jane does love her job but she likes being off more. Although Jane is feeling a little festive this year which is most unusual for Jane who normally grumbles her way through the festive season and beyond.

Jane suspects she may be mellowing.............. :shock:

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Sun Dec 03, 2017 6:22 pm

Mellow? The only way to tell if you are mellow is if you don’t shout at the telly when Question Time is on. I suspect Alan is a way off yet. I am, for sure :D

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:07 pm

When Jane grinds her loins is that with or without Chicken hat and where are our pics of you wearing it
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:20 am

Jane is trying to upload a picture of herself in the chicken hat but it’s too big :roll: :roll: - the picture not the hat :roll: :roll: .

Jane agrees with Mike that she may not be mellowing just yet. Alan (whose blog this is) will never mellow. He will go to his grave complaining and ranting at the world :lol: :lol: . Indeed Jane is going to have him cremated (after he dies in case there was any doubt) because she has a fear that he will be banging on the coffin lid after death shouting “I told you those politicians were a waste of time”.

This scenario of course pre-supposes that Alan will die before Jane, which is not a given, but extremely likely given how much he annoys Jane :lol: :lol: .

Jane has been out shopping for more wool today to knit some more knitwear. And Jane’s reader should see the size of Jane’s balls :shock: :shock: . They are HUGE :shock: :shock: .

And Jane was VERY naughty today :shock: :shock: . Jane didn’t pay for her ticket in the car park :shock: :shock: :oops: :oops: :oops: .

This was not due to being parsimonious (Jane likes that word but doesn’t understand why vicars are supposed to be skinflints) but because when Jane went to pay for her ticket she had no money in her purse :shock: :shock: .

Jane did a quick skeggie round the area and decided to make a run for it. She managed to buy the wool and 4 buttons and get back to the car before she was arrested. Mind the pleasure of scamming the council out of a squid was offset by the 5 years less life Jane has to live due to the stress of the situation :lol: :lol: .

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Sat Dec 09, 2017 4:23 pm

Jane's got big balls :shock: :shock:
I forgot to get a parking ticket in a multi storey remembered I hadn't brought one in lift on way back to car . Lift doors open and there he is writing my ticket .Annoyed with myself not traffic warden he was only doing his job what really got me was he wouldn't take the fine money . So not only do I have the fine to pay but envelope and a stamp .
Where my son works they had to do a few days work at a police station but as there car park is small they had to use town car park at £10 a day but the firm wouldn't cover the cost of parking the van .
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Dec 10, 2017 11:07 am

Jane got a parking ticket once many years ago. But she never paid it :lol: :lol: .

It was in the good old days when you went into the post office to get your tax disc. The person who wrote out the tax disc mistook the letter J for a V on the MOT certificate and therefore the wrong registration number was on the tax disc.

When Jane got her parking ticket the warden looked at the tax disc and not the registration so the number was wrong and Jane was untraceable :lol: :lol: :lol: .

Of course Jane could have ‘fessed up.

Did she? What does Jane’s reader think? Jane loves stuffing authorities :lol: :lol:

Jane erected her Christmas tree yesterday :D :D . Now all Jane has to do is wrap all the presents :roll: :roll: . Jane hates this process with a vengeance and would actually pay someone to do it for her if she could :roll: :roll: .

What happened to Bob a Job week?

And yes Jane knows she is sick but this still tickles her that we were all so innocent that it was acceptable to invite small boys into your house and give them a shilling for a ‘job’. :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

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paul.m
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul.m » Sun Dec 10, 2017 11:35 am

You can still do that if your a priest or a MP
Paul

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Dec 16, 2017 1:55 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jane is now a good way through her present wrapping. Jane has adopted the measured approach - do a few every night when she gets in from work and then it doesn’t appear so onerous :roll: :roll: .

Except Jane has been doing this for a week and the unwrapped present pile doesn’t seem to be reducing :roll: :roll: . Jane is starting to suspect that her next door neighbours have dumped their presents with Jane for wrapping and hope she doesn’t notice.

In fairness it’s a good ploy because Jane can’t remember half the stuff she’s bought and has been delving into shopping bags of presents all week and getting a surprise at their contents :roll: :roll: .

When Jane wraps presents she does it right proper! She does bows and curly ribbons and little danglers. All the tags and paper and ribbons are colour co-ordinated - it’s a work of art :roll: :roll: .

Harry the Jack Russell Terror however, has been helpfully removing the stick-on bows from the presents and hiding them in his basket post-destruction :evil: :evil: .

Oh how Jane laughs! :roll: :roll: .

Isn’t Harry just SO cute? :evil: :evil: What an amusing little guy he is! :twisted: :twisted:

The next time he does it will be the last! Jane is prepared for him!

Jane is planning a massive stand-off with Harry looking festive with a pretty chewed bow in his mouth and Jane holding two terminals from Alan(whose blog this is)’s TENS machine in each hand and the power turned to FULL :twisted: :twisted: .

Has Jane’s reader ever seen a charred Jack Russell?

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:23 pm

Very nice with a burgundy and oregano sauce. :D

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:01 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Mike and Harry is now, with age, becoming a little portly so he may even turn out to be self-basting :shock: :shock: .

Jane is now considering cancelling the Turkey for Christmas and experimenting with an alternative :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane is wondering if her reader occasionally takes an instant,probably unreasonable dislike to certain people? Jane suspects that the older male members of the forum will at this point be shouting “YES!”, being essentially very grumpy :shock: :shock: :P :P .

There is an assistant in Jane’s local Sainsbury’s who Jane really, really wants to punch every time she sees her :oops: :oops: . She appears to pride herself on her customer service skills. In fact she is in your face and overly helpful and basically a pain in the doo-dah :shock: :shock: .

Jane was using the self-service tills the other morning on the way into work and there was Mrs PIA (Pain in the A...) being ‘helpful’.

Mrs PIA: “Do you need any help with that?”
Jane: (somewhat confused given that all she was buying was a sandwich and a yoghurt :roll: :roll: ) “No THANKYOU”
Mrs PIA: “Well I do like to help because some customers find these tills impersonal”
Jane (not very subtley :oops: ): “Well perhaps some customers prefer that”
Mrs PIA: “Well I like to give a good service-it's very important to me. People comment on my customer service skills. I always like to make every customer feel comfortable having had the best service.”
Jane: “Eff Off and die”. In fairness Jane just thought this- luckily it wasn’t actually verbalised although it was close :shock: :shock:.

Bearing in mind that this was at 8 am on a weekday morning. Jane just wanted to buy her lunch without having to engage in a ‘meaningful’ conversation with an eejit. The ‘meaningful’ part only being apparent to the eejit.

Jane has the whole rest of the day to use that particular skill set :shock: :shock: .

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Saxie
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Saxie » Sat Dec 23, 2017 12:07 am

Jane's chicken hat sounds great and Jane could have come to Saxie's' party. Saxie held a bad taste theme Xmas party for all her dancing ladies. Some of them whined for a few weeks as they didn't know what to wear. Saxie considered telling them to come dressed as usual and they would fit in perfectly but decided she really does want some pupils next year. Saxie went as the Xmas tree fairy complete with wand and wings and bucket loads of tinsel but was delighted to see the range of outfits her dancers chose. One wore a Shoot Trump outfit, complete with bullet holes, another a burka, and the usual ladies of ill repute turned up with mini skirts and stockings. Yet another came in what appeared to be a lovely normal dress only she had constructed oozing bandaids with red nail polish blood and stuck them on her body. Another also looked relatively normal until you noticed the earrings made from paint dipped tampons. It was all great fun and the hilarity extended to the gifts for exchanging which were to be no more than $5 in cost and in bad taste. Saxie gave a bottle of mouthwash!
Saxie is having a quiet half hour before the rest of the family, 19 of them, arrive to stay over Xmas. Saxie's husband is recovering from cancer surgery and is very grumpy and no help at all, particularly as he wakes Saxie periodically during the night just to tell her how bad he feels. Saxie is thinking of asking Jane to post her Alan's TENS machine!

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:53 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Saxie. Jane will willingly send her TENS machine over to Saxie immediately. Jane can recommend it as a husband training tool, and indeed if the aforementioned husband doesn’t learn from the TENS machine there is still the added bonus of inflicting pain on him anyway. It’s a bit of a win-win to be honest :twisted: :twisted: .

Jane empathises with Saxie re husbands making a fuss. Alan (whose blog this is) is a total drama queen :roll: :roll: . He can’t announce he is going to bed when he is feeling poorly. Nope! He has to slowly shoe-shuffle into the room semi bent over with a look of total anguish on his face and pathetically point to the ceiling. :lol: :lol:

Meanwhile Jane and Alan have been out Christmas food shopping :roll: :roll: . Miraculously they are still married (although it’s a close call) after visiting two different shopping emporia and hissing swear words at each other over the previously agreed shopping list :roll: :roll: .

Jane: “Here’s a nice ham”
Alan: “We don’t want a ham”
Jane: “YOU said we needed a ham”
Alan: “Not THAT sort of ham”
Jane: ”Well WHAT sort of bloody ham do you mean?”
Alan: “A different sort!
Jane: “Well give me a clue DARLING”
Alan (pointing): “THAT one there!”
Jane: “That’s the same as this one!”
Alan: “No it’s bigger!”
Jane: “So it wasn't ‘different’ it was ‘bigger’! It would be most helpful to me DARLING if you could be more precise with your adjectives!” (Jane always gets on her high horse when she’s cross :lol: :lol: )
Alan: %%^$£@

And can Jane’s reader guess what Jane say for sale in her local shop this morning whilst purchasing her newspaper?

Creme Eggs! Yes! Creme Eggs! Creme bloody Eggs! Ready for Easter! :shock: :shock: :roll: :roll:

Jane bought two :D :D

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stuart13
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by stuart13 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 1:05 pm

Hens are laying early.

:)

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Janey Dal
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Wed Dec 27, 2017 2:13 pm

Well that’s it! All over for another year! Jane started buying presents in October and spent weeks wrapping them. It took the kids about 20 minutes to demolish the lot :roll: :roll: .

Jane’s favourite present out of many superb presents is the eyelashes for Mathilda. Yes! Mathilda the car! :D :D . Jane can’t wait to put those bad boys on - Mathilda will look like a dream :D :D .

Jane has been out today to buy a new doorbell - Jane knows her life is Rock ‘n Roll :shock: . The old doorbell had given up the ghost weeks ago but Jane used it as an excuse to ‘not notice’ if mad Ma came round :oops: :oops: . This excuse has now worn thin and Jane has had to bite the bullet.

In a normal house Jane thinks she should just hand the new doorbell to her husband who would leap out of the chair and instantly fix the doorbell. :roll: :roll: . Not in Jane’s house! Jane handed the doorbell to Alan (whose blog this is) who looked thoroughly confused.

Jane just knows she will have to fix the doorbell or else the chimer will end up on the outside of the door and the bell on the inside :roll: :roll: . Alan is not renowned for his DIY skills :roll: :roll: .

Jane is also the proud owner of a new hand held vacuum cleaner. Jane has wanted one for a while given that Alan struggles now to hoover the stairs with the upright. Jane got a massive bargain from Argos yesterday saving 120 squid and only paying 100 squid for a Dyson which looks like a ray gun from a 50s film :lol: :lol: . Jane is always thinking of Alan :lol: :lol: .

Jane has used it to hoover all sort of areas using her crevice tool :shock: . Jane had no idea she had so many crevices and indeed how many dog hairs manage to find them when Jane didn’t even know they were there :shock: :shock: .

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MikeyB
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Re: Alan's blog........

Post by MikeyB » Wed Dec 27, 2017 6:31 pm

Speaking of crevices, I bought Mrs B a Philips Lumea hair removal gizmo. Uses laser light, or something. Doesn’t work on natural blonds or white hair. Best part of £500, but after a few weeks it can be permanent. It’s the sort of thing you pay a fortune for in beauty salons.

Next Christmas maybe? Bit more practical than a Dyson, for sure. :D

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