Alan's blog........

[maz]

With regards to Janes previous posts I would happily do as instructed any anything Queen Nicola demanded and even look forward to a verbal lashing as her voice is like warm honey

Shudder. Warm honey ? Shudder. (Okay, she is no doubt a lovely lady, I just need to get to know her of course )

For Jane(whose blog this isn't) what a great Monday when one can get a bus journey, car repair AND a new vac, all for under £90. So, seeing as Jane was expecting the car repair to be up to £300, Jane now has £210(ish) still to spend .

[Janey Dal]

Jane likes the cut of Marilyn’s jib so to speak . Jane feels sure she can find a suitable repository for her spare cash ie a shop somewhere that sells shoes or clothing -only essential shoes and clothing obviously .

As for Nicola Sturgeon’s voice -she sounds like a corn crake with a sore throat in Jane’s opinion but it wouldn’t do for us all to the same now would it?

And Paul needs to be careful - Jane did not say that women weren’t good enough to be bus drivers NOW but APPARENTLY in the good old days - Paul is putting words in Jane’s mouth which is a very unhygienic thing to do. Jane has no idea where those words have been previously. Paul is very welcome to put other things in Jane’s mouth like chocolate for example. Jane doesn’t care how unhygienic chocolate is - she will take the risk .

Anyhoo, today Jane has done something a tad embarrassing. Having parked her car on the top floor in the multi storey car park she headed off for her nails to be done - and very pretty they are too in case Jane’s reader is interested.

On returning to the car park Jane went to the payment machine on the ground floor and realised that in order to pay Jane had to input her car reg number. Sadly Jane has no idea what that is . Jane has only been Mathilda’s owner for err.... 3 years . Jane had written the number in her little black book which unhelpfully was left on the kitchen table at home, so Jane had to ring Alan (whose blog this is) and he told her the number .

This is not something to be proud of but Jane (as well as being date dyslexic) is apparently number plate dyslexic . Jane has no idea why but that registration number simply will not stick in Jane’s head. Of course Jane’s head is very full given her level of superior intelligence (well superior to a man’s intelligence anyway) and the sheer amount of data hurtling round in there looking for somewhere to rest until it is required.

Obviously the bit that is looking after Jane’s registration number has given up trying to find a spot and has fallen asleep somewhere. Jane would have it tattooed on her forehead but that would be a nuisance if she gets a new car and besides, Jane can’t see her forehead without looking in a mirror .

Instead of number plate recognition Jane thinks those parking machines should have face recognition for the mentally bereft ie Jane. Of course having a Mini Jane could probably just sashay under the barrier without paying at all.

[paul 28]

Daughters car had an oil leak and usual garage has moved to next town , so she took it to a garage near me . Charged her £48 to tell her head gasket and water pump need replacing at £800 . Rang old garage said they would do it and change cam belt for £500 .When she went to pick it up was told it was only another gasket changed oil and filter £50 .One very happy daughter.

[paul 28]

If Jane has trouble remembering number plate then try a personal number plate so when she is next at parking meter she will remember it easily how about JAN1E

[Janey Dal]

Jane thanks Paul for his helpful advice. Jane would indeed love that as a number plate but suspects it would probably cost her more than the car is worth .

Jane could always change her name to BG61 OJB which is her registration number (Jane had to refer to her little black book for this) and thereby would have a personalised number plate without the humongous cost.

However Jane is not sure she wants to be called Mrs OJB or be referred to as BG61 which sounds a little impersonal. Given some of the strange names that parents name their children however, it may not be as strange as it sounds and Jane (sorry BG61) would probably get used to it in time. BG61 would probably end up being called BG for short and may as a result end up singing in a very high voice.

Jane has been to get her hair cut today - it’s all very unnecessary given Jane’s natural beauty . Jane has also had to purchase some hair dye. Not obviously because she has any requirement for this but just so she remains popular at work by telling everybody that she needs her hair dyeing. It is such a minefield being so naturally beautiful. Jane has to work hard at not being so naturally beautiful and indeed thinks she has succeeded very well indeed . Nobody knows how naturally beautiful Jane is .

Jane is delighted to hear of Paul’s daughter’s bargain car repairs. Jane loves a bargain particularly when you are grinding your lions for a huge bill and then don’t get one.

And Jane sympathises with women who get ripped off by unscrupulous mechanics. Jane thinks there should be a punishment for such people.

Jane was thinking something along the lines of hoisting them up on their lifting device by the hairs on their legs and spray painting them pink .

[Janey Dal]

Yesterday Jane took mad Ma to the doctors. Mad Ma has not been herself since a virus some weeks ago. Jane has no idea who she has been and to be fair she looks just the same as mad Ma however she is even more mad than normal and potters off on mental journeys that bear no resemblance to anything that has just been said .

The poor GP was very patient with mad Ma under the circumstances. Jane had to keep bringing mad Ma back to answer the questions that the GP was asking:

GP “How is your sleeping?”

MM “Well, it’s funny you should ask that” (why this is funny Jane has no idea anyway.... “I sleep very well but I sometimes wake up and I feel as if I can’t get my breath but I think I am probably just panicking in case I can’t get my breath when really I can breath very well. I never fall asleep during the day though.”

Jane: “You were asleep when I came to get you today” pointed out Jane.

MM “Yes but that’s only since I had the virus”

Jane: “That is what we are trying to establish Mum - whether you are worse since the virus”

MM “Well I was talking to my daughter in law last week and she’d just come back from a meeting at work.......”

Jane: “Mum - the doctor wants to know if you sleep well”

MM “Oh yes like a log!” “Mind I’m having trouble with my legs, they are all swollen”. Mad Ma rolls her trousers up and shows the GP her legs. The GP having never seen mad Ma’s legs before has nothing to compare them to so has to be advised by Jane that they are swollen.

MM: “That’s because I’m not on furosemide anymore”

GP: “Have you stopped taking your furosemide then?”

MM: “No”

MM: “Do you know how long I’ve been at this practice?” Mad Ma asks the poor long suffering GP “Since Dr Nee was here!”

Jane had to point out that it was Dr Neish, not Nee. The GP was far too young to remember him and he probably died before she was born and that it was a different GP practice altogether .

It was finally established that mad Ma is suffering from post-viral fatigue and is gradually getting better and just needs to keep on buggering on.

Jane thinks the poor GP spent the rest of the day reconsidering her future in primary care .

Jane does have to admit to a difficult moment however. The GP was asking mad Ma memory test questions to establish if mad Ma had dementia and she asked mad Ma the date.

Sharp as a tack mad Ma answered “2nd August”. Jane was glad they hadn't asked her. Jane would have answered “About 27th July”

[Janey Dal]

Jane is today sitting in the sun and looking round for the severe weather warning that has been issued for Oop North .

This is only for Oop North. Darn Sarf appears to be balmy.

Jane wonders how much financial investment is used to enable the weather forecasters to get it so very wrong on so many occasions. Jane reckons some Awd Lad up the road could probably do better by looking at the sky and wetting the end of his finger and holding it up in the air.

Of course Jane knows that the weather may change and to be totally honest Jane doesn't mind too much as Alan (whose blog this is) is insisting on cooking Sunday dinner again .

Regardless now Jane has her new vacuum cleaner that sucks up wet and dry she doesn’t care, if Jane gets flooded she can just hoover it up . Jane also has to report that despite Alan’s misgivings about the power of the vacuum cleaner (Alan has misgivings about anything new) he has actually lifted the stair carpet off its gripper rods whilst hoovering .

Harry the Jack Russell Terror is likely to get sucked up it if he gets too close but to be fair he is so fat that he will just block the tube so no danger to him Jane thinks.

[Janey Dal]

Jane is so excited .

Jane has been wanting to tidy up the front garden for the last millennium but Alan (whose blog this is) has been reluctant. This is mainly because Jane is the ideas man in the relationship and expects Alan to be the labourer. For some reason Alan doesn’t always agree with this plan .

However today Jane and Alan have been doing the garden and even better have used some wood from the refurbished bedroom wardrobe in the garden and apart from some minor tweaks have not needed to buy anything else. They even managed to recycle the screws . Jane is feeling all green and smug .

All Jane now needs to do is purchase some wood stain and there goes Jane’s Uncle Bob . And the sun is shining .

The world is just perfect.

Now all Jane needs is a substantial lottery win and nothing more needs to be said .

Jane will probably find something to say to be brutally honest with herself .

[maz]

Marilyn is more than excited to know what the old wardrobe ended up becoming in the garden. She has thought of a few things it could be. Shed, lean to, chairs, drinks table, 'new' picnic table, water butt, plant pot holders, decking, lawn edging.

[Janey Dal]

Of course Marilyn would want to know this. Naturally Jane has left the wardrobe as is and has put it in the garden to hang up Jane’s gardening jacket, her gardening gloves and a repository for her wellies . Jane has got the poshest garden in the street with a wardrobe in it.

Alan (whose blog this is) has taken a dim view of Jane’s last statement and said she is getting ideas above her station and should be honest and admit that the wood is being used to edge the path to the front door to stop weeds getting through under next door’s fence. But that, whilst truthful, is pretty boring in Jane's opinion.

Jane is now going to paint it green to fit in with the picnic table and fence. Green obviously because it goes with the grass. Jane has to have a colour scheme even in the garden . Indeed Jane has bought some specially sourced green plants to ensure that the colour scheme is strictly adhered to.

Alan is only allowed in the garden if he is wearing green or is naked which is obviously au naturale and therefore acceptable to Jane. Whether Alan’s nakedness would be acceptable to the neighbours is another matter, although Jane has suggested that if he is spotted by a neighbour he should turn sideways and stick his tongue out and they will think he’s a zip (with two zippers ).

Of course Alan could just stand still with one arm in the air and Jane’s neighbours would think he is a statue. Jane will have to ensure he doesn’t get too far into the role and decide to mimic the manneken pis in Belgium . The police may get called and Jane arrested for stealing the manneken pis and Alan carted off to Belgium .

Jane despairs at how complicated her life gets so quickly .

[maz]

[Janey Dal]

Jane’s number one VERY intelligent daughter has requested (or announced, Jane’’s reader can take their pick) to come up for an overnight stay on Saturday. So Jane has had to send Alan (whose blog this is) out to empty Aldi.

Jane suggested that Alan do a curry for the ravening hoards. Jane’s number one Digger son plus SO will no doubt turn up to see number one VERY intelligent daughter plus her SO conveniently on tea time . Alan has as per usual gone totally over the top on the catering and bought enough curry-related products to feed a small continent for 12 months. But he has at least remembered the onion badgers. Jane loves onion badgers .

Jane is not sure if they are made of onions or badgers or both but they are very tasty .

Meanwhile Jane has a new friend apparently who likes her so much he (or she) is chewing Jane to death overnight . Jane is covered in mozzie bites whilst Alan has rudely managed to avoid even one . Jane thinks the mozzie has decided there is insufficient meat on him to make it worth the mozzie’s time. If Jane’s friend continues to take the amount of blood from her that it managed last night Jane will be able to find it easily as it will be about 6 inches long and weigh in at 2 kilos! However Jane will be too weak to fight with it .

[Janey Dal]

The bites on Jane’s leg and arms today are so large Jane has decided to give them names . They are very itchy and irritating and Jane is gunning for the mozzie if she can find him. Jane suspects he is laid on his back groaning with the amount of Jane's blood he has ingested . Jane practically needs a blood transfusion to replace what he has so rudely stolen .

Jane is very cross. She didn’t invite him into the house. She certainly didn’t invite him to use her as a convenient food outlet. And she thinks it’s time he picked on someone else .

Jane is considering covering herself in creosote or something similar to deter the little s*** from feasting on her any further. Jane accepts that this may be a bit extreme but desperate times call for desperate measures. Or Jane could cover herself in glue and wait until the mozzie lands on her for his regular evening meal and then BAM! He will be stuck to Jane and she can happily squash him . Jane may torture him before she administers the coup de grace . Jane is unsure how to torture a mozzie but suspects if she waves an arm at him and says “See this? Full of blood! And you are getting NONE of it mwahhh mwahhahaha” may be sufficient.

Jane wants to see him cry . She wants him to beg for his life .

And she will still squash him .

Jane thinks she may be getting lightheaded through blood loss .

[maz]

Kill 'em all! John is also on this mission, he can suffer very badly too, so empathises with Jane. Marilyn doesn't suffer much at all, though does remember once, when camping in Italy, having bites on the soles of her feet, NOT fun. The same mossies caused massive swellings on John's legs and arms mostly.

[Janey Dal]

Bites on the soles of your feet .

Jane thinks she should meet up with John and start a mozzie assassination squad. Jane wonders if John has any contacts that will supply him with an Uzi? This may seem a little extreme for a mozzie and may take out the whole wall but Jane can take no more and if the wall has to go in Jane’s quest to find that mozzie then so be it.

Jane has to say that she appears to have been unbitten last night so either the mozzie is now so fat it couldn’t fly or it has died of a surfeit of Jane’s blood . Jane is hoping that it hasn’t pottered off to advise his friends of the particularly tasty source of high quality food he has found. Jane thinks that he is such a git that he probably hasn’t got any friends to be honest.

And if Jane ends up with malaria or dengue fever then she will be VERY cross. Although Jane seems to think that only female mozzies carry malaria. Jane has no idea whether this is true or not and indeed what bloody difference is actually makes to anyone other than another mosquito .

Meanwhile Jane’s number one VERY intelligent daughter has gone to visit number one Digger son in his new house. This has given Jane and Alan (whose blog this is) time to sort out the kitchen in preparation for the next onslaught of very hungry children. Alan prepared enough curry last night to feed the 5,000 twice (so the 10,000 then ) and there was very little left. Jane would have wondered if her offspring had invited some neighbours in except Jane was sitting at the table the whole time and didn’t see anybody extra turn up. However Jane is still wondering where exactly all the food went.

How is it possible for 4 people to eat so much without bursting? Jane wonders if her children are like hamsters and are able to store food somewhere about their persons for later consumption.