Alan's blog........

Chat about anything you like... Fed up with the state of the world today? Tell us!
User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:13 pm

:lol: :lol: Jane must sympathise with Marilyn because Jane is a skim reader as well. It’s not a gift! Jane often reads very important documents and misses the most important bits :oops: :oops: . Jane has also learned to be a blagger as well to cover up her lack of attention to detail when reading.

NHS documents tend to have at least the first half explaining why they have written the document. Jane doesn't really care why, she just wants to do know whether it includes more work for her!

Sadly, if there is no plot in the document and no murders or exciting bits Jane loses interest very quickly :oops: :oops: . Perhaps the NHS could learn to include stuff like that in their very dry documents. Jane would read them then.

Although she’d probably only read the part about the murder and miss the rest :lol: :lol: .

User avatar
maz
Posts: 7096
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:29 am
Location: Harrogate, UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:40 am

Marilyn empathises with Jane for having to read such documents. She thinks it must be a double whammy too with those documents also having many medical words, terms and phrases, on top of all the non plain English stuff :shock: , many added to make the writer look super important. However Marilyn is also super impressed that Jane does read them, even if skimming :shock:
Marilyn

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:41 pm

Marilyn mustn’t tell a sole but Jane usually skim reads the documents and then phones the writer for clarification thereby getting a verbal explanation which works better for Jane :oops: :oops: .

Meanwhile Jane is in heaven. Jane was delivered of a picnic garden table today :D :D . Jane is beyond happy now being able to utilise the front garden which was previously rarely used. Indeed Jane is sitting here whilst Alan (whose blog this is) writes his blog in the front garden in the almost sunshine :D :D .

There was a bit of a panic this morning following delivery as the instructions on the website said “minor assembly required”. It certainly looked like more than minor assembly to Jane on arrival :shock: :shock: . The instructions that came with the table said “a drill with a 3cm drill bit, a 15 mm spanner, a crosshead screwdriver and two men required to assemble” :shock: .

Alan whose cup is always half empty informed Jane that chez Dalgleish was bereft of all the above. Jane found them all (apart from the two men -goodness knows where they went but Jane suspects they didn’t want to assemble a table :lol: :lol: ). Alan should know by now that Jane doesn’t accept defeat :lol: :lol: .

The Dalgleishes managed to assemble the table without arguing (a miracle in itself) so Jane is obviously the equivalent of a man :shock: :shock: .

Jane has also painted the garden fence this morning and half painted the new table - Jane can only paint half of it because she’s sitting on the other half :shock: :shock: .

Jane is a little concerned that the table with be TWOCked but having tried to move it post assembly Jane thinks it would take Geoff Capes and Arnold Schwarzenegger to remove it :shock: :shock: . Jane doesn’t think either of them live locally and if they do,they don’t require a picnic table.

User avatar
maz
Posts: 7096
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:29 am
Location: Harrogate, UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sat Jul 14, 2018 5:13 pm

Some neighbours down the end of the road where Marilyn lives, about 5 houses away, woke up one morning to find their massive beautiful wooden gates and posts had disappeared overnight! These were not down the end of a long drive, but about 6 feet from the front door. The thieves were not heard at all even though it must have been quite noisy. Local police did nick them and apparently the gates were were stolen to order and had already gone! Hearing all the weird and wonderful items that get stolen from front gardens, Marilyn thinks Jane should bolt and chain the beautiul new picnic table down before it goes walkabouts.
Marilyn

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Sun Jul 15, 2018 11:38 am

Indeed Jane is in the process of doing just that very thing. Jane had considered a movement activated alarm but number one Digger son scoffed at that idea and suggested something called an earth anchor.

Every day is a school day! Jane had never heard of such an object but indeed they exist. Sadly it has cost Jane nearly as much as the picnic table thereby making the project more expensive than intended :roll: :roll: . However this wondrous piece of kit screws to the legs of the table and then a long spike is battered into the ground.

Of course a TWOCker could bring his screwdriver and unscrew it but Jane is hoping that for the sake of a garden bench, this will be just too much bother. Jane is also going to sneakily write her name and postcode on the underneath of the bench just in case.

This means of course that should Jane have her table removed she may well spend the rest of her life lying down under random picnic tables to see if her name is there. :shock: :shock:

Jane may purchase a movement activated alarm as well - belt and braces and all that! Jane suspects any thieves will just remove the whole garden :lol: :lol: .

User avatar
stuart13
Posts: 21218
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by stuart13 » Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:47 pm

What was your address, Jane?

:wink:

paul..m
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2018 4:32 pm

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Mon Jul 16, 2018 5:54 am

Where I used to work if it wasn't bolted down it would go missing ,if it was bolted down they would nick the bolts as well . My work mate even had the cheek to borrow the works van to take some heavy stuff home .
Paul

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:24 am

stuart13 wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:47 pm
What was your address, Jane?

:wink:
If you come and lie down under Jane’s table you’ll find out :lol: :lol: .

When Jane worked for the local authority many moons ago there was always a shortage of equipment, to the extent that when you returned from annual leave, you would spend the first few days tracking down your keyboard, mouse, your chair and anything else movable :roll: :roll: .

On Jane’s first week there she didn't even have a desk phone which made it a little challenging to try to set up meetings :roll: :roll: . Jane was finally given a phone, only to have it taken off her 10 minutes later as it had a display on it and Jane ‘wasn’t important enough’ to have a phone with a display :roll: :roll: .

Important items also regularly go missing at Jane's current employment but that is the GPs ‘borrowing’ someone else’s equipment and ‘forgetting’ to return it or tell anybody :roll: :roll: .

Jane regularly has a panicked phone call from a GP saying they can’t print as their printer has run out of ink. “Did you not notice the warning sign saying the toner was low?” Jane will ask them very reasonably.

“Oh yes!” Will be the reply “that has been coming up for about 3 weeks” :roll: :roll: .

Jane wonders how some people get themselves dressed in the morning :lol: :lol: .

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Wed Jul 18, 2018 4:56 pm

Jane is once again sitting on her trusty-not-yet-TWOCked picnic table (Jane is wondering if bringing her gravy boat out and putting it on the table would be too twee? :roll: :roll: ), and helping Alan (whose blog this is) write his blog.

Alan is sitting watching the TV so obviously Jane is picking up his thoughts via mental transference - which is pretty clever as in Jane’s opinion not a lot goes on in Alan’s head that is of any practical value :oops: :oops:. Indeed Jane tells him regularly when he begins a sentence with “I was thinking....” to give it up as no good ever came of it :lol: :lol: .

Harry the Jack Russell Terror is amusing Jane greatly with his door phobia :lol: :lol: . Yes indeed, Harry is such a wuss that he is frightened of doors when they move :lol: :lol: . Hence he is standing with his paws on the step into the house looking forlorn because he has to walk through an open door in order to get back inside :lol: :lol: :lol: . If the wind moves the door, that is it! Harry is traumatised :lol: :lol: .

Anyway, Jane is still awaiting delivery of her ground anchor and in the meantime is stressing about TWOCkers. Jane has been so stressed today that she was unable to do anything at all other than sit in the sun and worry :roll: :shock: :shock: .

Jane had no idea that being the owner of a picnic table was so much responsibility. Jane thought the gravy boat was the pinnacle but apparently not. :shock: :shock:

User avatar
maz
Posts: 7096
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:29 am
Location: Harrogate, UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:23 am

:shock: Gravy boat or picnic table, that is the question. :wink:
Marilyn

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:35 pm

And Jane does not know the answer to that question :shock: :shock: .

Life is a constant dilemma to Jane, full of concerns about what the neighbours think and how to behave in public - NOT! :lol: :lol:

Jane knows that she will be the talk of the neighbourhood with her new picnic table and if she gets her gravy boat out - well! Jane expects the press to descend on her asking how she maintains her glamorous lifestyle :shock: :shock: .

Jane of course will not divulge her secret because everyone in the neighbourhood will buy a gravy boat and a picnic table thereby rendering the furnishings ‘common’ and Jane will have to defenestrate them. Add to this that by the time gravy boats and picnic tables become the opium of the masses Jane may have earth anchored her picnic table to the floor and therefore she may have difficulty in defenestrating it :shock: :shock: .

Alan (whose blog this is) is blissfully unaware of the surge of local envy caused by Jane’s picnic table. Alan is unaware of how avant garde his wife is. :shock: :shock: To be fair Jane also thinks the local neighbourhood may be guilty of this underestimation of Jane as well :oops: :oops: .

Mind he did refuse to take her out for lunch today until she changed her shorts because he said her a*** was hanging out of the back :twisted: . What annoyed Jane most is that Alan appears to think that Jane’s a*** is so saggy that it hangs out the bottom of fairly long shorts :twisted: :twisted: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: .

paul..m
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2018 4:32 pm

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by paul..m » Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:25 am

The answer is so simple to stop someone nicking your picnic table .place a few old washing machines ,a broken TV a few used nappies and let Harry leave some of his poo as well for good measure . Your new table will stand out like a sore thumb ,meaning it will look nicked and local scallywags will leave it alone .
What Alan meant about your bum hanging out of shorts probably was that you have spent so much time sitting at new picnic table that the seat of your shorts has worn away allowing your bum to show .
Paul

User avatar
Janey Dal
Posts: 9080
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:34 am
Location: Stockton on Tees, NE UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by Janey Dal » Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:13 pm

Jane thinks Paul’s information is interesting - completely useless - but interesting! Jane wants to point out that hers is an upmarket picnic table so should be treated with respect!

Jane actually ordered 2 picnic tables - the first one looked like it would take ages to arrive so Jane ordered a second one. Jane cancelled the first one and waited for her refund. None came, so Jane rang the company and complained.

“I have been waiting a week for my refund! I am not happy with your service! Please send me a refund asap or I will report you to trading standards!”

“Madam our records show that your picnic table was delivered last Friday!” :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

Wrong company :oops: :oops: .

User avatar
stuart13
Posts: 21218
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:23 pm
Location: The English Lakes

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by stuart13 » Fri Jul 20, 2018 3:04 pm

A right picnic you've gone too.

:roll: :roll:

User avatar
maz
Posts: 7096
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:29 am
Location: Harrogate, UK.

Re: Alan's blog........

Post by maz » Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:21 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Jane.
Marilyn

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 6 guests