Look, Alan gets mentioned which is a much as he deserves - so therefore it is Alan's blog.    It is what he would say if he could use a computer because he always agrees with everything I say, or suffers the consequences.   I can't say fairer than that - I give him a choice - Agree with me or die.    Not all men are so lucky, not all men get a choice.  

And if Alan has been talking about me behind my back to Ray - oh dear!  I feel some serious torture coming on.  How dare he have an opinion that I haven't told him to have first???  Who does he think he is?

Next he'll be making decisions and spending money on himself.   And I will hold Ray responsible if Alan breaks out and demands control of the TV remote.

You have been warned!

     

Yes Alan, darling, of course I'll make you a cup of tea and massage your back............... don't let the people on the forum know though will you?  They think I'm tough....................

During my conversation with Alan this morning we got around to last Christmas.

What we could, and couldn't eat etc.

We then got around to the sort of Christmas gifts we received.

Alan said, "Jane  gave me an SUV for Christmas".

I responded:"Wow, that's amazing!!......Imagine, an SUV!!..What a great gift!"

Alan said: "Yup !!....Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

I'll kill him - that was supposed to be a secret!

That does it!!!  Jane is going to become a recluse.  Jane went with Alan to B&Q to get some paint for the front room.  A man looked at Jane and said "Do you want to be past son?............... Oh sorry sweetheart............."     

Jane is getting heartily sick of being mistaken for a man. Alan says he wants a divorce as he never wanted to be married to a man.   This is now getting beyond a joke and Jane is going to need therapy if it continues.   There is only one small consolation that Jane can see - the silly man this morning said "son" so at least Jane looks like a YOUNG man.  Jane is trying to take some small comfort from this.

Jane either needs to get a boob job or grow her hair long.  However the other alternative is to give in to pressure and grow a beard and start scratching her crotch when she's thinking.

Jane is now going to start painting the front room and hopes her tears won't dilute the paint to much.....................           

You certainly paint a picture Jane, and one thing is for sure, you never gloss over a problem.



 

Jane is delighted to report that after a hard morning's painting the front room doesn't look any different because the paint colour Jane and Alan chose is exactly the same colour as the plaster.  This was certainly not the intention but is none-the-less the outcome.  

Jane and Alan will have to continue and hope that the second coat improves matters.  

Jane is now disheartened and wants it all to go away and leave her to sulk.

Swami is extremely saddened by Jane's decline into that of a lower life form. Swami feels that the best thing Jane can do at this point is to move onto the next stage in her life and become a crone.

 There are many advantages in becoming a crone.

Crones dress in black skirts and cloaks, a colour that is always flattering. It means not having to make choices about clothing so saves a lot of time which can then be spent in irritating others.

Crones are expected to be eccentric and irritate others. If they offend others as well then they are really succeeding.

Crones don't have to worry about what people say about them as they will always be revered for their age and wisdom.

Crones don't have to wait on men but can do whatever they please. Swami feels Jane should lose no time in  becoming a crone – nobody will ever mistake her for a man again.

Swami

Good God!  From that description I am a crone already   

Still rather that than a man   

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Jane for giving me a hilarious afternoon reading Alan's bog. I'm the unfortunate one in this household who has had the responsibility of being the hospital patient and I can relate to SO much of the blog.

What you don't realise Jane is how much responsibility we have to our consultants and other hospital staff. We have to cause all the problems and interesting complications to ensure they deserve the money they get................the consultants and surgeons at least. I mean, take my case for instance. I went into hospital in Sept 09 via an emergency ambulance. Well if I'm going to hospital the least they can do is have flashing blue lights to get me there quickly   During the next 7 weeks, YES 7, I had 2 visits to ITU, 3 visits to HDU and 3 visits on a normal ward. Well as normal as an NHS ward can be. I had to keep my partner on his toes by trying to find me each time he visited.....................damn he found me each time! I went for the option of having the middle section of my pancreas removed as it meant a decent scar. Well no good being ill and having an operation for some piddly little marks. I've since discovered that the scar is called a 'rooftop' and is a very impressive 12" roughly. Whilst in hospital I had an anphalactic shock reaction to a blood transfusion but was considerate enough to have this whilst in ITU as I thought they would have the expertize to deal with this. Lucky for me I was right! After playing musical wards for this 7 weeks they had had enough of me and sent me home to my beloved. He to tried all his nursing skills on me and very reluctantly I have to say he was good at it. Mind you, after having him nursing me for 9 days I happily sent him back to work whilst I curled up in bed and went back to sleep until 8am when daylight appeared. He took his nursing skills to the limit and prepared all my meals, medication, cups of tea for me. I was even allowed control of the remote during this week! As a treat we went for a couple of picnics. As it was November the picnics were eaten in the car but the thought was there, bless him.

I was a good girl, took my medication and went for my hospital appointments and was doing really well........................until January of this year. Just for fun I developed a pancreatic fluid collection under my scar so was sent back to hospital, this time WITHOUT the flashing blue lights. Most disappointing as I had to drag my partner out of work to take me instead. I discovered that mt consultant had the audacity to be on holiday at this time   I mean. how DARE he take time off when his patient is ill????? This time I stayed in the NHS establishment for 2.5 weeks, had 2 different drains inserted, had numerous cannula's put in just to test how good someone could get them in to a person whose veins run away and made good friends with the CT scanner. I'm going to throttle the next person who asks me 'have you had a ct scan before'? I was so well behaved that they let me out on parole with just 1 drain and a dressing over the hole they left taking the other one out. Dutifully I let the district nurses change the dressing daily, not that they had much choice as the wound leaked every day. By the following Tuesday the surgery nurse called in the doctor to have a look at the wound area as it was looking rather interesting with a crust of cottage cheese consistency. Once again it was decided to send me to hospital to get it assessed and once again transport was provided by my beloved. I think the excuse of taking me to hospital is beginning to wear a bit thin with his boss but we're still using it at present. After 9 hours with various doctors, nurses and other strange bods looking at it I was sent home with a different dressing and told to come back on the Thursday at 9am.

Thursday came with my beloved dropping me off at the hospital whilst he disappeared off to work with the expectation of picking me up later. How wrong that assumption was as I phoned him at 7pm to say they were keeping me in. I'm sure he knew this all along but sounded surprised when I told him...........crafty or what? The outcome was that drain number 2 that was taken out the week before had to be put back in. See I told you we had to keep these consultants and registrars on their toes. This time I spent 2.5 days in hospital and when my consultant saw me his comment was 'Oh good grief,what are you doing back in?' To which my reply was something like 'seeing if you can do your job'

I'm currently at home and going back for outpatients appointments but it's looking like I'm going to be a guest of the NHS again as I was told this week that I need another op to remove the tail end of the pancreas. Secretly I think he hasn't made his quota of patients for last year so he's starting early this year to make up for it. I must qualify for special treatment by now surely???? Private room with en suite? Free telly? Private nurse to attend to my every need? I live in hope  

So, as you can see from this tale, we patients have an enormous responsibilty to the NHS. I mean, how else would our next generation of student doctors learn about awkward patients if it wasn't for people like me?????

I look forward to hearing more about Alan's plight as reading all the posts today has helped a lot with boosting my morale and spirit. PLEASE PLEASE keep the blog going.

lindylou

    

Jane has read Lindylou's mini-blog and is secretly impressed and much amused.  Jane is glad to have found a soul-mate who finds her appalling life over the last few weeks as funny as that.

Jane also thinks that if it weren't for her dreadful habit of taking the p*** out of everything, Jane would be sitting in a straight jacket gibbering and hurling abuse.  

Jane has had an interesting visit to Alan's GP this morning.  Jane often wonders if she didn't go with Alan what the GP would actually do with Alan.  Jane has to prompt Alan to remember to ask for some more medication, and also sick notes.  Without Jane there to prompt Alan he would go to the GPs, have a nice little chat and come out with nothing of any use.  

Jane, like Lindylou, manages to squeeze as much out of the NHS as possible.  Jane is not satisfied if she goes to the GPs with Alan and doesn't come out with half a tree worth of prescriptions.   Alan's recovery may be slower than Jane would like, but godammit, she's managed to clear a few forests during the last 12 months.  Jane does like to have an impact, if it can't be on people, then at least the forests know she is around and a force to be reckoned with.

Jane would like to give some advice to Lindylou - you are not a fully paid up member of the "Take the NHS to the Cleaners" team until you've stood up in A&E and shouted at people.   Whilst Jane sincerely hopes that Lindylou will never have to do this, it is a rite of passage for serious members and should be considered as a fast track to the top of the tree - and Lindylou will have to be quick, as with Jane's insistence on numerous prescriptions, there will very soon not be any trees left to get to the top of.  

Jane is very frustrated about this at the moment, because as Alan recovers, he needs fewer prescriptions and Jane is struggling with how to increase the number of scripts and deplete forests.  Any advice on this will be welcomed.

Jane is now going to have to go downstairs (convenient laptop in kitchen is fubarred*) and help number one unemployed scum bag son with the painting.   So much for Jane's day off!!!  

* FUBAR = f***** up beyond all recognition.

Swami was apalled to discover that Jane is solely responsible for global warming by depleting the world's forests. Has this woman no shame?

What about the teddy bears? Where are they to picnic with the trees disappearing?

Swami feels that Jane needs to attone for this disaster by extensive planting. Surely her son can point her in the direction of someone who can supply a few pot plants for the windowsill to begin with, then she can rapidly progress to whole plantations of greenery.

If Jane establishes an olive plantation in her backyard she will be able to harvest the fruit and press it for oil which she can then use to massage her long suffering husband.

Jane would do well to consider the example of Johnny Appleseed and spread her planting as widely as she can. Swami will watch this space with interest to see if her ideas bear fruit. (or leaves)

Peace
Swami

Jane also thinks that if it weren't for her dreadful habit of taking the p*** out of everything, Jane would be sitting in a straight jacket gibbering and hurling abuse

I am concerned, I have no proof that the situation is not as described above.

R
A
Y

Lindylou is glad that Jane has found Linda's blog amusing  

Lindylou knows of a hospital near her that would provide suitable accommadation for Jane should she find herself in the straight jacket situation. Lindylou would even come and visit her.  

Lindylou avoids actually seeing her GP in person if at all possible and sneakily puts in a repeat prescription request for medication. Obviously the GP likes this as repeats are dutifully supplied. Maybe Lindylou's reputation of causing problems has gone before her and there is a big notice on the computers NOT to let her see a doctor at any cost. Even with a sick note being needed Lindylou was given a form to fill in instead of a GP appointment. Definately a conspiricy somewhere. Mind you, Lindylou still has to have a dressing changed on a regular basis so the nurses can't avoid seeing her but it's usually different nurses depending on the time of day. Obviously Lindylou is too complex a case for one nurse to cope with. They will only see lindylou every other day as every day would obviously to much for them.

[b]Jane would like to give some advice to Lindylou - you are not a fully paid up member of the "Take the NHS to the Cleaners" team until you've stood up in A&E and shouted at people.[/b]...........................Lindylou will remember this advice if she has the unfortunate audacity to end up in A&E again.

[b]Jane is very frustrated about this at the moment, because as Alan recovers, he needs fewer prescriptions and Jane is struggling with how to increase the number of scripts and deplete forests.  Any advice on this will be welcomed.[/b].............................Lindylou suggests Jane finds a new reason for Alan to need a prescription. For instance Lindylou now has to flush out her drain everyday, hence now needing a prescription for saline. This is on top of the ones for creon and lansoprozole. Mind you this is lindylou's total at the moment so the forest is safe this end. If Jane needs more trees for paper supplies for Alan's prescription please let lindylou know as she lives near a forest and can supply Jane on request.

Lindylou has been told that it will be probably sometime over the summer before she has any chance of being allowed to go back to work so will make full use of the long hot days to come before then   Lindylou has a plan that if she is back to work by end of August then she can put in a holiday form request for September and go away on a nice relaxing holiday.  

Lindylou hopes Alan continue to recover but suspects that his ploy of NOT remembering to ask for prescriptions and sick notes is to continue to milk his illness for all it's worth. Lindylou suggests Jane becomes aware of this as without monitoring it could turn into a permanent situation.

Lindylou
 
[/b]

Jane is as ever grateful and interested in the fullsome replies and advice of the forumists.

However, Jane feels Swami is being a little harsh in blaming Jane enitrely for global warming.  Whilst Jane accepts that she may be contributing she feels that to be blamed for the whole thing is just a little unfair and swingeing.  Jane is very hurt by this accusation and is going to cry a lot.  She will, to assuage Swami, try to do this over a grate in the street in an attempt to replenish the water table at least.

Jane is very interested in Lindylou's idea of Alan not allowing himself to get better by deliberately forgetting  to order his prescriptions.  Jane is a little upset that she was so naive that she didn't think of this before.  As a cunning plan Jane is going to tell her doctor that she has also had half her pancreas removed and needs the same medication that Alan is taking.  Jane will then have a stock of prescriptions to kibosh Alan's cunning plan.  

Jane is a little confused that Lindylou needs a prescription to clean her drain.  Jane has always used Mr Muscle drain cleaner which she can get at Sainsbury's.  

Regarding Swami's concern over the teddy bears and the lack of trees to picnic under, Jane has yet another cunning plan:  Lindylou can help to rehabilitate the teddy bears over the course of her long, hot summer of recouperation and teach them how to picnic on the beach rather than under trees.

Just to add a little addendum to this blog for today..............

Jane is getting increasingly erm.......... erm................ bloody irritated by Alan's fussy appetite.  Alan doesn't like pasta, although will eat spaghetti bolognese (because that's different), Lasagne (because it's not like pasta) and tuna pasta bake (yeh, well that's okay).   He doesn't like jacket potatoes (its the skin).  He doesn't like stews (I prefer roasts), he doesn't like pies (I've never been a pie-lover) etc etc.

However, today Jane decided to do tinned salmon with salad and jacket potatoes for Jane and number one unemployed scum-bag son (who will eat almost anything) and would do new potatoes for Alan.  Alan agreed this recipe at lunchtime when Jane phoned him at home (taking time from her busy work schedule to pretend to check if Alan was okay).  Jane felt an enormous sense of relief.  AT LAST!  a meal he will eat.!   Jane asked Alan if there were any new potatoes in.  Alan said yes.

When Jane got home, tired and hungry, she realised that there weren't any new potatoes at all.  Alan said he thought there were.  No matter!  Jane went out again to buy some new potatoes.  Jane bought new potatoes in their skins (the type that don't need peeling) and when she got home she said to Alan "Right it wont be long".  Alan had looked at Jane's new potatoes and decided he didn't like ones with the skins left on.  Alan said "I don't like new potatoes".  

Jane thinks Alan realised that he had pushed her to ends of her tether when he was forced to duck as the knife Jane was using to dice the potatoes hurtled past the side of his head.  Luckily for Alan Jane is  (despite her many other skills) not a good shot.    When Jane, in case Alan hadn't quite got the message started banging Alan's head off the new tiles that number on unemployed scum bag son had stuck to the walls in the kitchen,  Jane thinks Alan realised that Jane was a little discombobulated.  

Alan then set about peeling the potatoes (which didn't need peeling) and putting them on to boil whilst Jane sat ignoring this activity.  When Jane looked, Alan was boiling the potatoes whole!

Jane thinks she will leave and go to join a convent because she may well commit murder if she doesn't.

Despite all this carry on, Jane then discovered that Alan had cooked a full English breakfast for himself and number one unemployed scum bag son and eaten it all.

Jane thinks she needs to pretend that Alan is no longer poorly and stop being such a wonderful (and patient nurse) and let the b***** get on with it.

Jane thinks that maybe she needs to let go and chill......................................  Where's Swami when Jane needs her?